I DO NOT LOVE TO PLEASE

I do not love to please
Nor do I care if I do not
For another broken heart
Has build another Hell
In this old heart of mine

So sing your lullaby
And count all your pebbles
and stones
You can wiped out all your fear
For I shall not wonder near
Your heart of stone
For years we shall not meet

For I love for the sake of me
To bind another will be a delight
If you lose me
It is a loss of ease for you
Build your hell within you
I love not to please!

THIS LONGING WILL STOP

This hopeless longing
has stopped, and then
It started again
My night will be long
when my longing begins

I said, a thousand times,
This could not be
A messenger from another world
Could not be as kind
Or smile so sweetly
To care to others as to me

Your words did not sooth
As I come to face the truth
This is just a dream
Your virtual kiss did not linger
My love did you suffer?

Do not come in my dreams
By tomorrow I shall be well again
And the longing will stop
When I realise
You are just an illusion

EACH WISH OF MY HEART

Each wish of my heart
For you to stay
near me forever
today or tomorrow
will be the same

It is not while you are here
as a traveller, a tourist or just my companion
I will still rejoice
but then your 6 months
will be up and then the final goodbye?

The faith of your soul cant be known
So is your love
I am still not certain
But you said
your faith and soul
are all true confession
and that I should not fear

Till then
to which time
your presence will still be more dear
to me, and me and me!

ONLY IF YOU STAY

I saw him at closer view
A phantom of delight
His spirit light and free
And his steps were all towards me
How long were you here?
Waiting for me?
And so he said....

But where were you all these years?
I waited all my life...
And that I said between tears and joy

I am none but a poor woman
All images of youth are drawn and long gone
What I have today is not too bright or good

I have nothing to share with you
My noble man
Only transient sorrows, simple wiles

But if you would stay
I'll share with you some love, kisses, tears, and smiles
Only IF you stay

A PERFECT NOBLE MAN, A TRAVELLER


A perfect man, almost
noble and charming
to comfort and command
All that a man should be
And yet the spirit is sometimes
still and cold
With something of a heartless soul

And now that I see closely
The voice, the pulse and
breathing thoughtful breath
I pray this will last
if only for a while

He is afterall
A Traveller between there and here
His reason is firm
Our bond could not be
Even with endurance, foresight, strength
and much love

THE RUSH OF JOY IS BACK

My heart skipped today
and my day is full of joy
Everything else around me
seems to change

The soft hue of green pale grass
was vividly beautiful in my eyes
and when the win blew
I feel a sudden rush of joy

Even in a cold evening
the dull flowers
seemed to transform to petals of
red and blue

When night falls
My heart is rejoiced with old tunes
the love lyrics just get better
with such sweetness and joy
I know the passion is back
And the love that once left me
is home

LIVE WITH ME

We spoke
in the silence of the night
that fateful day
I am I, and you are you,
Me, loving but eluding
And you, cold but charming

So, should you pursue me?
Or loathe me?
My life is a fault
But you said this is our fate
and together this is our destiny!

Scarcely, I fear I will not hold you dear
Keeping my nerves at strain
But what if I fail? Again?
Will you be there to dry my eyes
or laugh at my fall?

So, take a look from afar
farthest from my sight
The old hope is at the old mark
And the new one, a different place
Just remove all
Live with me
And we should be fine

MY HOPE IS OVER

It's so cold out here
For the rain fell hard on me
And I feel the freeze all piled
beneath my skin
How have I not forgotten
that very word 'cold stone'
Or was it Stonecold?
For the man snip me off
like a loose rubber
He was as cold as can be
and waved all warm feelings
brushed my warm soul with ice

The loving words were rudely
snapped from me
He left me non to rejoice
and all that were once for me
were all gone
I watched her with blurry vision
from far
And I said, "She has her now..."
and Im severed at last
But then was it only yesterday
That the stonecold was mine?

Now
all alone
My thoughts turned to him
Over those hilly mountains
and deep winding roads to the other shore
I rest my head in my foolish heart
let it cover not
Can I still look for your noble heart
forever more
when I know
there is still none for me?

You are not cold in the heart
not anymore
for many wild years later
This sheltered heart you seek
though it has melted
But it remains the faithful
while the warm rubber remembers
despite low spirit
Such wonderful years could never be forgotten
Or erased
Even though the changes and all sufferings
Were all mine and never yours!

Answer me now
My sweet love of yesteryear
Forgive me, if I try to forget you by
The daily doings is dragging me along
My desires are many
and I still have hopes and dreams
Though obscure
But I still cannot have you now

No more lights to my heaven and earth
I mourn not for the shine that you promised me
My dear life may not have bliss
for all that God has granted
The small blessings are precious to me
I fear you would perished my dreams
and Im hopeless to let you go
So I shall take my leave
though forever cherished
is the "Warm Rubber & Stone Cold"
I will etched these two names
all over my heart
AGAIN

I shall not waste my tears
for its useless to shed over useless passion
This soul is weak and old
To hasten a wish of hope
Would be like dragging a tomb to grave

I dare not let this madness thrive
and indulge in yesterdays memory
The rapturous pain has long gone
though the vision still fresh in my mind
With all the anger and pain
how could I seek your name again
when once you left me empty

IT'S THE WARM RUBBER

If only what I said
mattered to you
You would by now
be rejoicing
with me
holding hands sipping coffee
at the Sidewalk Cafe in Paris

If only you had believed
what your heart whispered to you
amidst those luxury and glitter
that envelops you
and blinded you
till you lost your way
which only made you stray
further from your true love

I would have told you
to take heed
of those turmoil
and lead your hand
so that you wont have time
to reach out for solitare
for you and I were meant
to be

I would have submit to all
your joys, mood swings and despair
Stood by you
in times of loneliness
and touch your heart
again and again
so that it doesnt bleed

But then I realised
I have none of those
that you deemed fit
No grandeur, non stylish as compared
and royal links that could strap you
close to me
And I should be content
to write you off
'In Memory of a Lover'

Then when the call came
I knew right away
It should have been me
to stand next to you
be by you
caress you

But then I had to turn away
and pretend not to hear
when your heart was crying in pain
I could sense the loneliness
which wraps around you so cold
so far and thin

If only
you had listened
hard and long
then you will know
that all you need now
is THE warm rubber
and not another Mrs Stone Cold!

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SAY IT'S OVER

Say it's over
But do not say it to me
That you do not love me
For I shall echo the words after you
again and again
till you feel sorry
that you had left me

I shall not cry
Nor shall I say more
Amid the void and darkness trail
that you left behind
I doubt you will feel the pain

Say that you don't love me
Softly and silently
But don't let me hear it
For I know
To love me in silence
this far
with all your soul
Was just a dream
and a mistake!

HOW CAN I REJOICE?

I thought of you
And my soul goes weak again
My heart starts to shut so closely
The visionary pain
suddenly becomes real once more
So how can I rejoice
a pleasure that is so painful?

You lured me
nearer to you
The foolish me obeyed
A quaint wild music seeps through me
And I began to float once more
But how can I rejoice
a wish that is so weak?

Your long letters gone
They don't come easy anymore
And I started missing it even more
So how can I rejoice
when you don't send me bouquets
in love notes?

I thought of you again tonight
My best thoughts of you are long
and sweet
And the dreams get stranger
But how can I rejoice
when I feel sad enough to break?

SPEAK TO ME

My love
Speak slow to me
sweet and gentle
From where you are
I can still hear you

Lest I should fear
that I will miss you more
The miles are too wide for me
And the days too long
So speak to me more
and show me how tender
your love can be

My dear one
Just let my tears drop go
once and for all
though they are wet
the pain has gone because of you
So speak now
straight to my heart
tell me your love is true till the end

Dear love
speak to me now
Im tired of waiting

Fold me, hold me
close and warm
near your beating heart
For I am all alone
Unloved, unkissed
without you

MY DAYS ARE DULL

My days are dull
My hours half filled
When nights get long
I leave a life behind

Can I slip into slumber tonight?
and not stray again
when thoughts of you
fills up my mind
through and through
time and time

I shook my head
and turned off all emotions
For this cannot be
a life without you
is half MADNESS!

A GENTLE THANK YOU

Time passed me by
Since the first hello
and whisper of love
Yet I could not reply
Only a gentle "Thank you"

You breathed life and passion
and led me on to a familiar path
of yesteryears

I told you of history
of past love that rained so hard
in this small heart of mine
But you said it's ok love

You promised to heal this wound
chase the blues
and wipe the tears
And I asked you how?

Though confused
I start to plant my rose and love flowers again
in the secret garden of my playground
though lonely here without you
I still wait for the shine
and the bloom

Then you spoke of a bright gold ring
Of a new life of you and me
The spinning daze drove me further away
Yet I prayed THE day will be!

IF THIS IS THE WAY

You showed me the way
and gave me the light
wrote me a script
about hopes and dreams
something I never dared
to dream for a second

You held my hands
and took me to this path
I felt lonely no more
My nights were longer
and my days were torturous

I do not know how
I do not know when
You took my breath away
and grabbed every bit of me

Was it something you said
or something you wrote

You assured me of love
and promised me you will be true
Though I do not doubt you
but I am still searching for the truth

Confused that I am
First I wanted to stay
Then I wanted to go
And there I was
Caught in between love and confusion

Yet I do not want you to leave
Though I beg you to go...

The memories you etched were so real
But the guilt I bear
I could not condone
I have nothing more to share
nothing more to give
Just an old heart and a wounded soul
all tattered and gone
So please forgive me
If I show you not my love

MY SILENT PRAYERS

Oh God
This heart is like a treasure
It will go down to the sea with the ships
If you don't save me

Im sick of hired men
Nor do I want desirous ones
Give me one
Who fills my heart with so much love

Send me one
Who could content me like a fountain
and I will drink from my own well

Get me one
Who can charm me with his words
And send shivers down my spine

Make him love me
Like no other lover

And please
Do not send me lust without love
romance without passion
for its like sending me a Kiss of Death

So let me rejoice (if you allow me)
now that I've found him
My match, my pride, my joy
My secret lover
whose love is in my every veins

For if you should take him away now
I'd feel like a tramp
My life would crumble
hurled through still heavens
And I would be lost

So leave us God
and bless us please
till death do us part
And all the other men
can go to Hell!

MY SILENT PRAYERS

Oh God
This heart is like a treasure
It will go down to the sea with the ships
If you don't safe me

I'm sick of hired men
Nor do I want desirous ones

Give me one
Who fills my heart with so much joy
Send me one
Who could content me like a fountain
And I'll drink from my own well
Get me one
Who can charm me with his words
And send shivers down my spine
And make love to me
Like no other lover

And please
Do not send me lust without love
romance without passion
for this is like sending me a Kiss of Death
So let me rejoice
now that I found him
My match, my lust, my pride, my joy
My secret lover
Whose love is in my every veins

For if you should take him away
I'd be like a tramp
And life would crumble
Hurled through still Heavens
And I would be lost

So leave us God
And the rest of them
Can go to Hell!

(The mStar Online team - Arif, Ain, Zira, Zana and Wahida)

Once in a while you have this urge to let go and exercise your limited creative juices on that 'ancient' thing called Pantun.

My new family, the mStar Online 'kids' - Wahida, Zira, Zana, Ain and Arif (especially Zana), described pantun and the likes of pantun as bahasa Tun Sri Lanang.

Arif, the fine writer that he is, has progressed beyond his 'Darsawarsa' and 'Tuntas' knowledge which he often uses when he writes, Zira - the novelist loves the flowery old lingo hence 'Tebak' is her very own trademark among us.

Wawa thinks its far too taxing to dwell into pantun but eventually got 'caught' in the game while Ain is the silent supporter.

So here are some of the PANTUNs. Its a way of distressing really. But if you are a pantun lover, like me, please go to my other blog: www.write-a-pantun.blogspot.com. There's loads over there.

Below, are the ones written by 'these bunch of bright kids.'

TAPAK SEMAIAN DIBUBUH BAJA
KALAU BERKENAN KATAKAN SAJA
APA GUNA PANTUN BERJELA
JIKA SALING MENJERUK RASA
(Zanariah wrote this)

ITIK NILA BERENANG-RENANG
AIR TAK DALAM SEPARAS PAYA
BEKAS TERTARUNG LAGI TERKENANG
INIKAN PULA HUBUNGAN NYAWA
(This one is by Arif)

MASAK ASAM DI TENGAHARI
UDANG GERAGAU DIJUAL KATI
SIBUKNYA TUAN TIDAK TERPERI
KESIAN SAYA ASYIK MENANTI

BUKAN SAYANG SEBARANG SAYANG
BILA JUMPA HATI BERDEBAR
MALAMKU SURAM, SIANGKU PANJANG
SEMUA DIMAKAN TERASA HAMBAR
(Esp for Ain and Ariff)

KEBAYA PENDEK SANGATLAH MOLEK
KAIN BATIK SAMA SELENDANG
RIAK HATIKU SANGATLAH PELIK
INGIN BERMANJA DENGAN TUAN SEORANG
(Zana who admires someone in the office)

NASI LEMAK BUAH BIDARA
BUAT BEKAL KE NEGERI JAWA
PUAS KU PUJUK HATI YANG LARA
ORANG TAK SUKA LUPAKAN SAJA
(Zira...get over it ok)

HUJAN LEBAT DI SANA SINI
AWAN MENDUNG DI WAKTU PAGI
APALAH MALANG NASIBKU INI
BURUNG DI TANGAN TERLEPAS PERGI
(Arif on his lost love)

AMPUN MAAF PADA KEKANDA
TERLEPAS CAKAP TIDAK SENGAJA
SAJAKMU PUITIS MERANGSANG MINDA
JIWA KACAU TENANG SEMULA

KUIH KETAYAP INTI KELAPA
PENGAT DURIAN BUAT SERAWA
BUKAN MUDAH NAK LUPA TUAN
NAMA TERPAHAT DI DALAM JIWA

SIANG MALAM MABUK KEPAYANG
TERINGAT KASIH JAUH BERBATU
HIBA HATIKU BUKAN KEPALANG
MENGENANG NASIB DAGANG PIATU
(In memory of my late parents)

PATAH PASAK DI DALAM KEMUDI
PATAH RUANG BUNGA KIAMBANG
KALAU TIDAK KETEMU LAGI
JAGA DIRIMU WAHAI SAYANG!
(If I should go one day!)

I miss Ibu Yusni Jaafar so much - more than I can actually put in words. Sometimes even words failed me. The vaccuum I feel inside me made it impossible to pick the right words.

Yet, memories of Ibu follow me everywhere I go, every corner I turn. Even the orbituary I wrote was not enough. It was written in a hurry. Emotions like this one takes time to surface....So here's something I have always wanted to share but never got to doing it until its too late!

DON'T WEEP FOR ME...

I could almost hear that song
again and again
"Hello...Is it me you are looking for?'
It's as if Lionel Ritchie had penned it for you, Ibu!
Now that you are gone
IT shall be yours for eternity

You asked me, if I could keep a secret
"Its all about me and the past
But please don't let them know"
Keep it tight within you
Even if they blame you
For what I have told you
They will understand eventually!

This is what your heart desires...
Do not weep for me
Tell them it's all over
All my sufferings..
I trust they will not doubt me
Now that Im gone

Ibu,
I will make allowance for their doubts
You can't wait no more
so tired of waiting
the calling is so great and so near
you have to let go...

I don't lie and I hate lies
I don't give way to hate
because I don't know how to
But when you were here Ibu
You gave way to hating,
And yet they don't look too good
nor sound too wise

Ibu
Its only now I am 'free'
to talk about you
and your virtues
and that 'missing link'
If loving kids can hurt you
If friends count but none too much
If you can find the courage
to forgive and forget
for that one second
You are the noble one...

HE took you away
And left us with this void
As I tried to close my eyes
quenched my breath
and blink a tear or two
in memory of you

I shall pass HIM too
one day
But I WILL never forget
your rendezvous with Death
months ago

On some scarred slope of battered hill
When the first pain appears
I was there for you
Then the first scar
and the first horrid sign
and ugly tales followed
after you
everyone heard it too
But I sealed my lips for you!

God knows better
to keep you safe
and give you happiness
with silk pillows and scented jasmines
Your love throbs out in blissful sleep

Your pain, your pulse and breath
Were all hushed awakenings for us
Then news
of your rendezvous with Death
At past midnight
flamed the town
As I pledged my word for you
I shall not fail you
and talk about the Death rendezvous
AGAIN...to anyone

Now that you are gone
I can't even stop one heart from breaking,
But I know I will be living in vain
If I can't ease the ache
Or soothe the agony of one daughter
who misses her mother so
But then again
you said, "Don't weep for me!"