I AM ZIEMAN

THE TIME WAS NEAR - so I thought!

I wrote this poem the night after I did the angiogram. After all the ECG and stress test and one rescheduling of the procedure, I had no choice but to head for the hospital.
"I've always thought I have a good heart," I said to Rafeah, my good friend who works in the hospital.
I was scared to bits that I behaved quite erratic, crying intermittently to the hospital, bringing all the sentimental things along with me including my old IC, the only identity card I have after I lost the valid one in a mugging incident at SS2 in PJ several years ago. I never bothered to get a new one since I also misplaced the temporary one. Afterall, I am no illegal immigrant. Though my friends always joke that I am the only Malaysian journalist who has to produce an international passport to enter Penang.
When I checked into B417, the room which Rafeah booked for me the week before, the first question I asked the nurse was - "How many have died from this procedure?" No amount of counselling or coaxing could put me at ease. I will not share with you what the reply was. It was too embarassing.
I behaved like a shameless and uneducated macik from some kampung who did not care what others thought of my question. My only worry was - "would I die today?"
I had to be sedated twice - they gave me valiam for my anxiety, even that did not come my nerves. My halluciantion got worst when I heard one nurse asking "was there any relatives accompanying her...".
I only had Wahid Nasir with me. Though he was more than a brother but he is not related to me. But Wahid was sweet enough to shelve everything else that day just to be with me. He visited me three times, wearing a worried and loving look on his face and babysit Lina and Farhan back in the ward. Even my Cyborg who flew in from Penang and parked himself at Eastin Hotel, was too engrossed in his seminar. Though he came a fleeting moment later, I could not forgive him.
My "Mak" Quraishah could not be with me because there was no one to bring her to me. And I know all my 'sisters' - Dalilah, Jai, Rafeah, Imma, Shaz, Izatun, Kak Siti, Kak Ani and Aishah - were all praying hard for me.
"Don't worry. We do hundreds angiogram procedures every month. Believe me you will be alright," said Esther.
But it was the scenario more than anything else that gripped me real hard. Looking back at the whole thing, I must have been a pathetic sight.
Having to hear that I am all alone in this world at that point of time was just unbearable.
"Don't tell me she came alone? Where's her relative?," said the voice again. That remark snapped me back to reality.
I was more terrified of losing all my loved ones - especially little Qadeem, my pride and joy who is only 2-year-old. His cherubic face dancing infront of my eyes made it difficult to hold back my tears. Then they ushered me to THAT room. Esther and Mohanas, the two nurses tried to calm me down with their friendly banters but it was hopeless. The thought of dying was just too much.
I had made a few requests to the charming consultant cardiologist Datuk Dr Ridzwan Bakar earlie on. I told the handsome Dr, who had the gentlest and softest hands, not to drug me or put me on any GA as I want to be wide awake. That way I can be sure I am alive and kicking...silly me!
"Please don't sedate me and I want pipe-in music to soothe my soul," I said.
And that I got but the choice of song was somewhat not right. The song that came on just as I was about to be "worked on" was "How Can I Live Without Her." I cried even more. So while adjusting his surgical mask, the kind Dr signalled the nurse to pass me some tissue.
After all the 12 cameras captured my beautiful arteries, Dr Ridzwan was more surprised than this difficult patient.
"There's nothing wrong with your heart. This is more a case of sakit hati than sakit jantung" - he said jokingly. Then I accidentally pulled his tie to thank him. At that moment, I felt like Lucielle Ball!


THE TIME WAS NEAR

Several days before I was to 'die'
I dreamt of my late father
He looked so sad
His tears were like drops of ink
It soiled his white robe
He said nothing - just tears

When he stared at me
With more than human stillness
I felt the compassion...
I felt the anger he was trying to tell me
Beware....was the unspoken words.

Then I walked into the room
I felt death was close
The time was near
Yet I braved myself like I always do

I heard the music
The familiar chatters in that room
I was scared like a dove
My voice trailed so helplessly
The time was near

Alas
It was a false alarm
No - a reminder
That time was not now
I wiped my tears
Said my prayers
Count my blessings
The warning that was
So take heed
To do
To say
right now
right here

Days after the miracle
The dream returned - My father
I held him dear
He had lived through my dreams
The silent thoughts returned my will
Lifting me from death
For he knows more than me
And I felt like a new spirit
shifting right left by the shore
By some majestic wave.