He is not my lover but we are quite attached. The attachment would set tongues wagging and assumed that we are having a romantic liaison. But that is simply not possible because he is a CYBORG.
This cyborg happens to be hundred miles away from me and yet we are closely bonded, both spiritually and mentally. My soul mate is Ahmad Shahril. He is also my best friend and constant companion. The predicament we are in now somehow draw us closer to each other. We care a lot about each other no matter what we do or say.
People described soul mate as an eternal partner made and given by God. Well, maybe that's true. Shahril knows what I am thinking even if we are not together. He can even predict I am munching "kacang botak" in the middle of the night. And I hate that.
"And what is that you are having by your side Madam...kacang is it?," said the deep-voiced Shahril over the phone one night. It just makes me want to put the phone down when he hits the nail on the head.
He provides the security and emotional stability for me, something that other men had failed to do. And he makes sure that I maintain my sanity by making sure I am emotionally ok with a short sms.
Our meeting in the year 2000 was never planned. There wasn't even any physical attraction just an instant liking that made us clicked straight away.
Never mind if I am years older to him, that did not make any difference. Its only when Shahril starts to control my diet and my cholestrol level that I feel the age gap. Sometimes he behaves like a dietician dictating what I should and should not eat. At times he acts like a gym instructor asking me to do simple exercise so that he could buy me "that little black dress in KLCC."
Shahril even understands my body language and knows exactly what I am thinking just by looking at me. We "speak" the same language and feel for the same people and things. Having shared many secrets together, I would say we are awesome buddies and could get along so well.
Our ideas and interests seemed to revolve around the same thing - music and movies.
But there were times when we had our differences and quarrels and were not on good terms.
I hate myself for all the "torture" that I made him go through especially when I am in that no-communicado mood. It's a bad habit of mine. I do this when I do not want to hurt a person. I would switch off myself and in the process, cut off and severe ties momentarily with any people who have hurt me. And Shahril is often one of them. I especially get very upset when he refused to understand me. The frustration and anger would make me snap at him. And the cool and calm Shahril would try to reason things out with me.
We've had countless disagreement over the years but none lasted more than a month. Most of the time, its my fault. The stubborn streak in me would never allow him to talk sense into me. His gentle and forgiving nature would make me give in no matter what. I try not to exploit this because knowing Shahril, he would know if I try to do that.
Shahril is accomodating to a limit. Once you pushed him to the wall, he would make his stand. A firm one but without retaliation, leaving the other party feel guilty. I have seen this happen to him many times. But he doesn't like confrontation nor does he like to be in any messy situation. He just doesn't like to get involved. Maybe that is a "selfish" part of him not wanting to be in anyone's bad book.
He is NEVER judgemental, a virtue which I really appreciate. He doesn't lie to me nor does he try to. I enjoying doing anything with him except for eating. He has this habit of deciding what is good for my body. A bowl of salad for lunch is considered a lavish spread for me. He would say in a matter-of-fact tone, "You are what you eat!" And goes on and on about what I should and should not it. As if it was a lecture, he would end it with..."understand. Any question."
Shahril lectures in one of the colleges in Penang. All his students love him. I gather this from the enthusiasm I saw on some of his student faces. He maybe a cyborg but I think he knows how to show his love for his loved one - Pendek, his cat. Pendek, who likes to feed on raw fish, is the only one who knows how Shahril feels. Whenever I call him at home, I have to greet Pendek first.
A practical person who never allows his heart to rule his head, that's Shahril. Matters of the heart do not interest him at all. Even if we were to hold hands, hug each other and talk for hours, I still wonder what goes on in his head. I still can't figure out how deep are his feelings. But what I know is he has a heart. He has wiped my tears and counselled me on many occassions.
At times when we are both busy we would just communicate vis sms. The reply that I always get would be ..."talk to you soon. Have a good day."
I think cyborgs have been programmed in such a way that they do not know how to respond to human feelings unless you change the chip inside them. I would not want to do that because I love my cyborg the way he is.
I often tease him with a cheeky private joke that we share like "Shahril, you sayang I tak?" And the reply would be a monotonous "Errr...I can't hear you."
But my feelings for Shahril will never change. He will always be in my heart and soul. Soul mates can have various types of relationships, which do not always include romantic love. I never have any regrets about our relationship because I know that my cyborg will always be there for me and make me feel so complete.
At times, I do have this urge to change the chip in my cyborg and see what happens. Now wouldn't that be fun!
