SAY IT'S OVER

Say it's over
But do not say it to me
That you do not love me
For I shall echo the words after you
again and again
till you feel sorry
that you had left me

I shall not cry
Nor shall I say more
Amid the void and darkness trail
that you left behind
I doubt you will feel the pain

Say that you don't love me
Softly and silently
But don't let me hear it
For I know
To love me in silence
this far
with all your soul
Was just a dream
and a mistake!

HOW CAN I REJOICE?

I thought of you
And my soul goes weak again
My heart starts to shut so closely
The visionary pain
suddenly becomes real once more
So how can I rejoice
a pleasure that is so painful?

You lured me
nearer to you
The foolish me obeyed
A quaint wild music seeps through me
And I began to float once more
But how can I rejoice
a wish that is so weak?

Your long letters gone
They don't come easy anymore
And I started missing it even more
So how can I rejoice
when you don't send me bouquets
in love notes?

I thought of you again tonight
My best thoughts of you are long
and sweet
And the dreams get stranger
But how can I rejoice
when I feel sad enough to break?

SPEAK TO ME

My love
Speak slow to me
sweet and gentle
From where you are
I can still hear you

Lest I should fear
that I will miss you more
The miles are too wide for me
And the days too long
So speak to me more
and show me how tender
your love can be

My dear one
Just let my tears drop go
once and for all
though they are wet
the pain has gone because of you
So speak now
straight to my heart
tell me your love is true till the end

Dear love
speak to me now
Im tired of waiting

Fold me, hold me
close and warm
near your beating heart
For I am all alone
Unloved, unkissed
without you

MY DAYS ARE DULL

My days are dull
My hours half filled
When nights get long
I leave a life behind

Can I slip into slumber tonight?
and not stray again
when thoughts of you
fills up my mind
through and through
time and time

I shook my head
and turned off all emotions
For this cannot be
a life without you
is half MADNESS!

A GENTLE THANK YOU

Time passed me by
Since the first hello
and whisper of love
Yet I could not reply
Only a gentle "Thank you"

You breathed life and passion
and led me on to a familiar path
of yesteryears

I told you of history
of past love that rained so hard
in this small heart of mine
But you said it's ok love

You promised to heal this wound
chase the blues
and wipe the tears
And I asked you how?

Though confused
I start to plant my rose and love flowers again
in the secret garden of my playground
though lonely here without you
I still wait for the shine
and the bloom

Then you spoke of a bright gold ring
Of a new life of you and me
The spinning daze drove me further away
Yet I prayed THE day will be!

IF THIS IS THE WAY

You showed me the way
and gave me the light
wrote me a script
about hopes and dreams
something I never dared
to dream for a second

You held my hands
and took me to this path
I felt lonely no more
My nights were longer
and my days were torturous

I do not know how
I do not know when
You took my breath away
and grabbed every bit of me

Was it something you said
or something you wrote

You assured me of love
and promised me you will be true
Though I do not doubt you
but I am still searching for the truth

Confused that I am
First I wanted to stay
Then I wanted to go
And there I was
Caught in between love and confusion

Yet I do not want you to leave
Though I beg you to go...

The memories you etched were so real
But the guilt I bear
I could not condone
I have nothing more to share
nothing more to give
Just an old heart and a wounded soul
all tattered and gone
So please forgive me
If I show you not my love

MY SILENT PRAYERS

Oh God
This heart is like a treasure
It will go down to the sea with the ships
If you don't save me

Im sick of hired men
Nor do I want desirous ones
Give me one
Who fills my heart with so much love

Send me one
Who could content me like a fountain
and I will drink from my own well

Get me one
Who can charm me with his words
And send shivers down my spine

Make him love me
Like no other lover

And please
Do not send me lust without love
romance without passion
for its like sending me a Kiss of Death

So let me rejoice (if you allow me)
now that I've found him
My match, my pride, my joy
My secret lover
whose love is in my every veins

For if you should take him away now
I'd feel like a tramp
My life would crumble
hurled through still heavens
And I would be lost

So leave us God
and bless us please
till death do us part
And all the other men
can go to Hell!

MY SILENT PRAYERS

Oh God
This heart is like a treasure
It will go down to the sea with the ships
If you don't safe me

I'm sick of hired men
Nor do I want desirous ones

Give me one
Who fills my heart with so much joy
Send me one
Who could content me like a fountain
And I'll drink from my own well
Get me one
Who can charm me with his words
And send shivers down my spine
And make love to me
Like no other lover

And please
Do not send me lust without love
romance without passion
for this is like sending me a Kiss of Death
So let me rejoice
now that I found him
My match, my lust, my pride, my joy
My secret lover
Whose love is in my every veins

For if you should take him away
I'd be like a tramp
And life would crumble
Hurled through still Heavens
And I would be lost

So leave us God
And the rest of them
Can go to Hell!

(The mStar Online team - Arif, Ain, Zira, Zana and Wahida)

Once in a while you have this urge to let go and exercise your limited creative juices on that 'ancient' thing called Pantun.

My new family, the mStar Online 'kids' - Wahida, Zira, Zana, Ain and Arif (especially Zana), described pantun and the likes of pantun as bahasa Tun Sri Lanang.

Arif, the fine writer that he is, has progressed beyond his 'Darsawarsa' and 'Tuntas' knowledge which he often uses when he writes, Zira - the novelist loves the flowery old lingo hence 'Tebak' is her very own trademark among us.

Wawa thinks its far too taxing to dwell into pantun but eventually got 'caught' in the game while Ain is the silent supporter.

So here are some of the PANTUNs. Its a way of distressing really. But if you are a pantun lover, like me, please go to my other blog: www.write-a-pantun.blogspot.com. There's loads over there.

Below, are the ones written by 'these bunch of bright kids.'

TAPAK SEMAIAN DIBUBUH BAJA
KALAU BERKENAN KATAKAN SAJA
APA GUNA PANTUN BERJELA
JIKA SALING MENJERUK RASA
(Zanariah wrote this)

ITIK NILA BERENANG-RENANG
AIR TAK DALAM SEPARAS PAYA
BEKAS TERTARUNG LAGI TERKENANG
INIKAN PULA HUBUNGAN NYAWA
(This one is by Arif)

MASAK ASAM DI TENGAHARI
UDANG GERAGAU DIJUAL KATI
SIBUKNYA TUAN TIDAK TERPERI
KESIAN SAYA ASYIK MENANTI

BUKAN SAYANG SEBARANG SAYANG
BILA JUMPA HATI BERDEBAR
MALAMKU SURAM, SIANGKU PANJANG
SEMUA DIMAKAN TERASA HAMBAR
(Esp for Ain and Ariff)

KEBAYA PENDEK SANGATLAH MOLEK
KAIN BATIK SAMA SELENDANG
RIAK HATIKU SANGATLAH PELIK
INGIN BERMANJA DENGAN TUAN SEORANG
(Zana who admires someone in the office)

NASI LEMAK BUAH BIDARA
BUAT BEKAL KE NEGERI JAWA
PUAS KU PUJUK HATI YANG LARA
ORANG TAK SUKA LUPAKAN SAJA
(Zira...get over it ok)

HUJAN LEBAT DI SANA SINI
AWAN MENDUNG DI WAKTU PAGI
APALAH MALANG NASIBKU INI
BURUNG DI TANGAN TERLEPAS PERGI
(Arif on his lost love)

AMPUN MAAF PADA KEKANDA
TERLEPAS CAKAP TIDAK SENGAJA
SAJAKMU PUITIS MERANGSANG MINDA
JIWA KACAU TENANG SEMULA

KUIH KETAYAP INTI KELAPA
PENGAT DURIAN BUAT SERAWA
BUKAN MUDAH NAK LUPA TUAN
NAMA TERPAHAT DI DALAM JIWA

SIANG MALAM MABUK KEPAYANG
TERINGAT KASIH JAUH BERBATU
HIBA HATIKU BUKAN KEPALANG
MENGENANG NASIB DAGANG PIATU
(In memory of my late parents)

PATAH PASAK DI DALAM KEMUDI
PATAH RUANG BUNGA KIAMBANG
KALAU TIDAK KETEMU LAGI
JAGA DIRIMU WAHAI SAYANG!
(If I should go one day!)

I miss Ibu Yusni Jaafar so much - more than I can actually put in words. Sometimes even words failed me. The vaccuum I feel inside me made it impossible to pick the right words.

Yet, memories of Ibu follow me everywhere I go, every corner I turn. Even the orbituary I wrote was not enough. It was written in a hurry. Emotions like this one takes time to surface....So here's something I have always wanted to share but never got to doing it until its too late!

DON'T WEEP FOR ME...

I could almost hear that song
again and again
"Hello...Is it me you are looking for?'
It's as if Lionel Ritchie had penned it for you, Ibu!
Now that you are gone
IT shall be yours for eternity

You asked me, if I could keep a secret
"Its all about me and the past
But please don't let them know"
Keep it tight within you
Even if they blame you
For what I have told you
They will understand eventually!

This is what your heart desires...
Do not weep for me
Tell them it's all over
All my sufferings..
I trust they will not doubt me
Now that Im gone

Ibu,
I will make allowance for their doubts
You can't wait no more
so tired of waiting
the calling is so great and so near
you have to let go...

I don't lie and I hate lies
I don't give way to hate
because I don't know how to
But when you were here Ibu
You gave way to hating,
And yet they don't look too good
nor sound too wise

Ibu
Its only now I am 'free'
to talk about you
and your virtues
and that 'missing link'
If loving kids can hurt you
If friends count but none too much
If you can find the courage
to forgive and forget
for that one second
You are the noble one...

HE took you away
And left us with this void
As I tried to close my eyes
quenched my breath
and blink a tear or two
in memory of you

I shall pass HIM too
one day
But I WILL never forget
your rendezvous with Death
months ago

On some scarred slope of battered hill
When the first pain appears
I was there for you
Then the first scar
and the first horrid sign
and ugly tales followed
after you
everyone heard it too
But I sealed my lips for you!

God knows better
to keep you safe
and give you happiness
with silk pillows and scented jasmines
Your love throbs out in blissful sleep

Your pain, your pulse and breath
Were all hushed awakenings for us
Then news
of your rendezvous with Death
At past midnight
flamed the town
As I pledged my word for you
I shall not fail you
and talk about the Death rendezvous
AGAIN...to anyone

Now that you are gone
I can't even stop one heart from breaking,
But I know I will be living in vain
If I can't ease the ache
Or soothe the agony of one daughter
who misses her mother so
But then again
you said, "Don't weep for me!"

MY NAME IS ZEERA...

It was
A charted territory.
for you
when you started
your journey here

But lost your way somehow
in all your findings
but still managed to stay beautiful
in your discoveries
Your simplicity
full of wonderment
never failed to amuse me

And your love-laugh bundle
full of excitement
which I slowly try to rejoice
together with much pleasure

Then the antics started
Thrilling and enthralling
with happy echoes
raptured all around

At last
You made your mark
with your remarks
snide and innocent
and won me over

And it almost sounded
like sweet music
when I recalled you said,
"My name is Zeera... no H!'

TO ZANA

You're so special Zana
in more ways than one
The lovely twinkle in your eyes
and the exotic dimples
which made it straight to my heart

I'll drink to you
and be there for you
And wipe the tears from your eyes
If they should ever come

I'm sending all my hopes
to the clouds in the sky
and let the truth mirror
in your round beautiful eyes
Those fleeting two months
have flowned by
And I've seen yet another
direction in your life

A real pleasure when you came aboard
But I know one day
I have to go my way
As you have to plod on
But you will always be a part of my heart
As memories of us
will forever bind till the end

My young Zana
Soft angelic
and sweet sounding
To my old tired eyes
With qualities within
Beyond compare

Your term is almost over now
as the precious moment you give me
is mine to cherish
for a long, long time

For ALL the joy and pride
you've brought with you
My lovely Zana
I only have this to say
You are God sent!

MY DEAREST PRECIOUS WAWA

A pretty face
which shines
like a shining star
is a joy to watch

The wonder of you
in a place full of love
like ours (mStar)
with your spirit and scent
Beautiful as you are
You've won my heart

Just don't tear it apart
Because I believe
of what you would become
someday
near

So my dearest precious child
Wish of love, peace and happiness
Don't run around too much
Let go stoned men
with their frozen hearts
for they grow all over the place
at times in front of you

Pass them by quietly
Never let them in
unless you feel revived
and blessed

For this journey
is yours tomorrow
Slowly but surely
I will leave you this throne
for you to roam
and remember me by....

PELANGI - KHAS UNTUK BAPAK
(Pelindung Artis Penaung Industri)

Datangmu dinanti
Cetusan hari yang lelah
Di pintu keganasan yang berlalu...
Kau tampakkan dirimu

Pada ketika aku
tersungkur di jerat rasa kecewa
Wajahmu melambai
manja
dan menyapaku dengan tenang

Di setiap helai
warnamu
memaut rona liar
dalam jiwaku
yang penuh gelora

Justru
dalam pawana sesayup mata
tari warnamu menyentuhku lagi
dan mengajakku
untuk seiring bersamamu

Di lembayung petang itu
kau menjelma dengan mesra
membalut duka ini
dan titiskan sebuah warna indah
di hening sebuah luka.

Sekilas itu
pahitpun tiada
begitu juga kata nista
dan airmata
semakin tidak terasa
Dan aku bisa
tersenyum semula

Pelangi
dirimu bak penyuluh
kegelapan dosa semalam.
Bagi insan luhur
dan teraniaya,
kaulah segalanya

Dan aku semakin
kenal warna pelangi
itu
di hari ini
di mana jua
Kerana tujuh warnamu
adalah cebisan ceritaku
yang baru bermula!

MY DARLING LINA


My pride and joy
Lullaby and rhyme
Everything feels so complete
when you are near

The tears of joy
when your heart
breaks and splits
will only make
your old mother
wretched and helpless

Que Sera Sera Lina
For your future is not mine to see
Yet I secretly wish
A noble man will comfort you
someday
As your mama will slowly fade

But my prayers will continue
that with all intensity
and passion
your words will be
as powerful
For you ARE
My darling Lina...

WHY?

If I were young and bright,
And laid my heart before your feet,
And took my dearest thoughts to you,
Will it be this that I face
A dilemma with much pain

Will you hail my easy lines as true
And say to me, "My dear" with no discreet
When you wear your eyes
and frown at the thought
of losing an old woman
helpless and distraught
But I have to keep my words
unquestioning
So that you will stay

Should I be mad enough
Again at this time
To share my heart with another man
and yet beat my head against the wall
When I see you wander past my door...

And I ask foolishly
Will you still doubt me
when I say "Farewell"

I still wonder
Why do you take such 'joy'
to see me in pain
and drained my thoughts...
Why?

YOUR CHEATING HEART

It felt like a sharp
excruciating pain
eating up my every nerve
when all words fell on deaf ear
And I saw your
raging passion

Is this a game?
Now I wonder...
How slow this old heart
has been
Knowing not how
or when it all started

Your caring touch
failed me
repeatedly
And you did
what you do best

All was sweet
until I realised
this was your joke
So I took my leave again
and just watch you passing by

Secretly wishing
this aching and pining
will stop
There is no hope
for you anymore

I've been a fool
Each time you
took me for that joy ride
I don't crave for that sensual pleasures
of your love
because there was none
for you to offer

Yet I took my place beside you
with absolute love
compelling me to forgive you
again and again
Until I realised
your cheating heart
was not engraved with my name
And I told myself
ENOUGH!