PERHAPS LOVE?
S wrote this for all of us to share....though I beg to differ on some areas about this so-called love. He has his idealistic view on what he term as love. Not that I am unable to love anymore. The hurt that love brings after I lost my loved ones - one after another - makes me feel so alienated from the very word. I prefer not to use the word love so often as it might be misconstrued, not by anyone but by me.
So, here it is:
you are zieman
and words are all i have for you
and if you think its fine to share this piece is for those you love too.
-----------------------------------------------------
love often underestimated
sometimes overestimated
it is never taken for its real worth
it is not an overused word
if it were ...why do people hunger for it?
the truth is...most people are just embarrased about showing affection
they feel super when they are swearing
they feel elated when people laugh at their lewd jokes
they feel belonged when someone tells them a dirty joke
they feel hip when they say (a four-letter word that's not 'fish')
they feel they are 'somebody' when they are first to peek at nudity
but they get queezy about saying 'i love you'
they feel bonded when someone tells them 'i love you'
they think you are lecherous and laschivious
when you say you are not ashame to love
so, what is this thing called love
that everyone is running away from?
it happens every day
and every moment of their life yet, they dont know
love is not a package dealit comes in bits and pieces of ordinary things
love untainted is love for the Almighty
and love for everything else is an extension of that love for the Supreme Being
as we count our blessings
let's count the ways of love from a to zee:
a - affection, amour, adulation, appreciation, adore
b - belief in God, belief in self, blessing, beauty, benevolence, braving the odds
c - caring, concern, cherish, confident, charm, considerate, cheer
d - delight, devotion, desire
e - endearing, emotion, enchantment, enjoyment, enthusiasm, embrace
f - friendship, fondness, frankness, favours, flavours
g - goodness, goodwill, gratitude, gladness, greetings, gentle touch
h - hello, happiness, humour, harmony, hugs, heart and soul
i - inspiration, infatuation, involvement, ideal
j - justk - kindness, kisses
l - like, light. life, living
m- mindful, music, madness (sometimes)
n - neverending story, nice, not giving up, neighbourlinesso - over the moon, overjoyed, opportunity
p - prayers, poetry, patience, passion, purpose, purity, pleasure
q - quiet moments, que sera sera
r - respect, regard, relish, radiance, reverence
s - smile, sincerity, sweetness, sentimental
t - tenderness, truth, trust, tolerance
u - understanding, untiring, unity
v - virtue, value, victorious, vigilant
w - warmth, wellness, wishes, worship
x - 'xpression, 'xtraordinary, 'xcitement, xanadu
y - yearning, z - zeal
and, surely there's much, much more
if you cant chew it alltake a taste, a little at a timeby tomorrow, you could feel it better than today
so, dear zieman
dont be confused and dont feel unloved
there's alway a voice cheering you on just listen to your heart
and the birds too are singing
chirpy! chirpy! cheep! cheep! zieman's back.
wishing you peace, wellness and gladness
smiles and cheers.
TENDER WORDS ARE TRUE POEM OF THE HEART....
Thursday, September 07, 2006
THE 'LOVE' HE WROTE
Dear S,
I didn't mean to expose our 'little secret' for all to know but lovely notes like the ones you have written should be kept in a place where it belongs ---- archive. And this is my archive. Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you again but I just had to share it with my friends...I hope you understand.
It's another way to say I appreciate, I care and I admire your guts for having the courage to tell me what you have been wanting to tell me all these years. No hard feelings please.
Love is such an overused and cliche word. It caused confusion and has been used so often that I don't even know what it means any more. Perhaps I am not meant to be loved...
S wrote:
it came like a bomb
it must be immense hurt
that drove you to break the years of painful silence
and to open, for all to know a trove of love sick prose meant just for you.
i'm actually at a loss for wordsas this was unexpected
it melted my heartweakened my kneesrocked my headand vapoured my eyes
it was a mixed feeling ofwonder, confusiontenderness, dumbness and ...
dont know what else
for some while, i just couldnt think or work
and my first response was :"God, have i devastated her?"
dear zieman
that door that u think i closed
was just in an illusion in slumberland
i only said there was no more dreams to tell
i didnt mean to shut you out of my life.
the corner in my heart
where i have etched your name is always there for you
to seek shelter and warmth
a gentle knock will do
for this door to open and to invite you in
this door was never locked
i'm truly..trully...truly sorry
for my lack of patience and understanding of your feelings
if any good comes from all this
it is by the grace of Allah
and may He forgive us for our weakness
everything else is due to our human failings
and may Allah help and guide us so that we will be strong.
thank you for your kind thoughts of me
thank you for sharing your feelings
thank you ...thank you...thank you
for being you.
wassalamsmiles and cheers.
Dear S,
I didn't mean to expose our 'little secret' for all to know but lovely notes like the ones you have written should be kept in a place where it belongs ---- archive. And this is my archive. Sorry, didn't mean to hurt you again but I just had to share it with my friends...I hope you understand.
It's another way to say I appreciate, I care and I admire your guts for having the courage to tell me what you have been wanting to tell me all these years. No hard feelings please.
Love is such an overused and cliche word. It caused confusion and has been used so often that I don't even know what it means any more. Perhaps I am not meant to be loved...
S wrote:
it came like a bomb
it must be immense hurt
that drove you to break the years of painful silence
and to open, for all to know a trove of love sick prose meant just for you.
i'm actually at a loss for wordsas this was unexpected
it melted my heartweakened my kneesrocked my headand vapoured my eyes
it was a mixed feeling ofwonder, confusiontenderness, dumbness and ...
dont know what else
for some while, i just couldnt think or work
and my first response was :"God, have i devastated her?"
dear zieman
that door that u think i closed
was just in an illusion in slumberland
i only said there was no more dreams to tell
i didnt mean to shut you out of my life.
the corner in my heart
where i have etched your name is always there for you
to seek shelter and warmth
a gentle knock will do
for this door to open and to invite you in
this door was never locked
i'm truly..trully...truly sorry
for my lack of patience and understanding of your feelings
if any good comes from all this
it is by the grace of Allah
and may He forgive us for our weakness
everything else is due to our human failings
and may Allah help and guide us so that we will be strong.
thank you for your kind thoughts of me
thank you for sharing your feelings
thank you ...thank you...thank you
for being you.
wassalamsmiles and cheers.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
THE DIARY!
IT WAS ALMOT LIKE A DIARY. The things that S wrote to me. Never knew how much the notes or the poems meant to me until a friend pointed out. I have very few regrets in life and slighting Shah is oen of them.
How could I be cruel and heartless to a man who loves and admire me in silent. But now I guess its too late because I have hurt S by the way I reacted and treated him all these years.
To S: If you are reading this, I just want you to know I appreciate all the love and attention that you have given me all these years. The prayers that you recited for me in your prayers and the dreams you shared with me are special. Thank you for everything. Your words, messages and poems mean a lot to me now than ever.... after you told me you are closing the door behind you.
I don't blame you S. I deserve that....For memories sake, I have pasted some of the most beautiful words that you said to me which I kept in my archive. I was foolish not to appreciate it before. I hope its not too late to ask forgiveness from you - for all the hurtful words I have said and the long silence.
Thank you for being there for me!
Love Zieman
20/5/2003
i was with a lecturer friends from uum. saw you too at purnama.why are we silly..snubbing each other?
i notice something was bothering you; during the recent office dinner.was hoping, maybe, you'd tell me about it before somebody else do.
you have been strong before, in facing the trials of life.you will pull through this time..InshaAllah...kekadang di sebalik sesuatu rintangan, ada hikmah sebenarnya.
if you believe Allah is with you, nobody ..and nothing..can be against you.
love.
21/5/2003
see what i mean?
i have to find out from an indirect source.
it does not seem fair.
anyway, i'm happy for you. take care.the baby may be the most precious thing now for you.
smiles and cheers.
23/5/2003
apa khabar?
maybe i'm not supposed to be in the list of "being in the know" about your situation.but since i already found out (though not informed), i hope you're okay.
please take care.
cheers.
11/6/2003
what i heard, at first i thought was a joke you laughed, only to say (not to me)"he doesn't know about it"or, something like that meant to hurt me or, to show i was foolish
silently, i walked away to write a note, to say "it's just not fair"
i had heard you talk of the frivolous ways of others their whims, their aspirations and other matters but you were quiet and not wanting to shareabout a new life, within you that i too, would cherish
i remained naive, and blurly asked"what's disturbing you?'and innocently believed, when you said "it's a matter of time before i tell you"
where did the time go when everybody else knew?
so good are you at prose and verses yet, still i'm waiting my turn in the queue for you to tell me those wonderful words"i'm having a baby".
wassalam.
love
13/6/2003
resting in the shade of a tree i see a bird singing a sweet melody
and from the distance too i heard a voice quietly sighing(was it you?)
i do not understand it for a recurring strain was playing not from afar
but from a space inside me
through the leaves i see a gentle light streaming like that ray of sunshine that is soon a-coming
i watch in wonder the feathered one above me
and i feel so humble and even so low
am i to go lower than on my hands and knees or shall i just pretend and move on
will you ever tell me?
wassalam
love
23/6/2003
assalamualaikum
that day when you wore red I wanted to tell how gorgeous you look i held back, however, as i thought"what if she gives the snub?" what if she makes one of her infamous sarcastic remarks?"could i bear it?
i may have lost a love but i still have my dignity yet, why has it come to this?
is this one of those things that men do not understand?
the silence is deafeningand i just dont want to ask anymore
this note is just to say that you're still etched in my heart
though the space i have for you
which once was passionate red is now just a shade of blue
have a good day
love
9pm
18/7/2003
assalamualaikum
you seem to avoid me like i have the sars. Yet i continue to grin like a clown and said "she's ok" when anyone asks "how's zieman?".
i pray God is keeping you well and you are also taking good care of yourself and the new life you are carrying.
i have traced msgs, conversations, chit-chats and small talks with you...trying to find out when...where...why...i have been kicked out of your life.
those people you used to be sarcastic about, they're the ones you go to now and the ones you're running away from are those you once said you trust and care about (like me and A).
so, help me.
what's happening? how did it all happen?
when i see you..from a distance...i long to be near..to touch that life in you..to whisper..to tell..everything is going to be alright.
InsyaAllah, everything will be ok.
love.
wasslam.
ps: all that i had wanted was to hear from your own sweet lips: "i'm having a baby."
3/8/2003
and i still keep asking..a simple question..."when will you tell me?"
the truth is, dear zieman, tho i'm disappointed, i'm not angry.
i still harbour hopes that you'll forget your pride..dont be embarrassed..if you want to talk, i'll listen, and if you want to listen, i'll talk.
whatever is the outcome...i can live with it.and i hope too you will...eventually..know how to handle the matter.
and. this will be the last time i will write to you on this matter. if there is any more message, it would probably be work related. if not there will just be blanks.
for the record, i still care for you and wish you the best in life.take care of the baby, ok?
love,
wassalam.
18/8/2003
i know i said i will not send anymore msgs. but this one, i'd like to share with you.
"when a child is born, everyone - men, women, family, friends..sometimes even foes - fall in delight, tiny babies, in whom we see our future, are the greates joy and blessing we will ever have. and they are so easy to love. these small beings have the ability to bring out the best in us and we want to make them happy.
we can do nothing less than to love them totally and without reservations or judgements. a mother is not waiting to be complimented by the baby. she feels love that is totally without conditions. when you feel that kind of love, it radiates in all directions - not just from the baby, but everywhere and to everyone. it's like light radiating from a bulb (or candle).
the love for our child enlarges our spirit, expands our heart and allow us to feel the essence of our highest levels. the highest delight, the very stuff of heaven comes through when we love a child."
smiles and cheers.
3/9/2003
assalamualaikum.
tho u made me a fool...i continue to see the best in u. since the beginnging....and until now....i tell people u are my dear friend. and everyday, i say a prayer for you and your baby.
i do not know where i went wrong with u...or maybe i'm too naive.
but when somebody asked,"hey, what's this i hear about u and zimen? quarrel?" i was taken aback.
i believe it wasnt u who talked abt the so-called quarrel. as far as i am concerned there wasnt any. but why there is this talk, i dont know.
i guess i.m not just a fool in your eyes..also in others.
InshaAllah, things will work out....for good or for better.
take care of the baby.
wassalam. love
28/10/2003
..........anda di dalam keadaan sihat dan bahagia.
assalamualaikum.
dear zieman,
in this noble month of Ramadhan, my wish is that Allah will give you His hidayahto soften your heart against me.
we all have our problems ..be it financial, health, relationships, family, work, or others....it is only because we are not perfect that we seek the help of others..or Allah....to get out of our predicament.
whatever it is that i may have done (or had not done) that has hurt or grieved you...i'm sorry.but for this Ramadhan and always...i bless you and see the best in you.May Allah keep you safe...always.
peace is where the heart is.wassalam.
9/11/2003
i feel i have to write this, just 4 u.
yesterday from the closet i tookmonths after the last time i put it there
an attire of blue a gift to me from you
i felt its softness like a gentle touch from an enchanting past
and i whispered a blessing and a little hope
that from a distance you'll knowthat i see the best in you
i remember you once said i am part of you and i assured you there's a space i share here in my heart for you
and when i see a baby blooming in his mother's womb by extension, i feel like it is part of mehow i long to touch itto tell it "everything will be all right"to whisper "you'll be fine"but it's not to be
now, the time is nearwhen a little ray of sunshinewill show itself and give your world its glowa bundle of joyto cherish for good..and better
its such a wonder what a blue baju can do and even after it goes back into the closet it will not shut the thoughts i have of you
and if tomorrow is not mine to share with you please forgive me, in your heart and mind for all the hurt i have caused and the pains i cannot repair
may Allah keep you safe..today and everyday and rememberthe best years of your life have yet to come.
selamat berpuasa.
20/3/2004
i read the agenda, and it bleeds my heart it's scary to think that those you call friends can turn out to be foes
this shameless manwhat can he do?but pray to God to give you the strength and courage to break your barriers of pain and sorrow and ease the wound
this despised person who's been spurned, mocked, scorned and laugh at sees just the best in you and know you will prevail and you'll see the truth
InsyaAllah
this impudent fool magnanimous only in his "sorries"ask again to be forgiven for he is helpless to lend a hand except to reach out to the Almighty to keep you safe, protected and unharmed for if the Creator is with you no one can be against you - tho they may try
everyday i bless you i never stopped and at times like this i ache for you and want to comfort you to tell you "everthing will be alright"and to say, "i care".
17/4/2004
this is a goodbye note.
i have joined the league of retirees and...unless i accept thestar's offer for me to continue...this would be the last u'll hear from me.
thank u for the memories, the prose and poems and things that we had shared together..including the drinks, meals and also the raindrops, the tears and the laughter.
what can i say that i've not said to u before?
u have chosen to distant yourself from me, while i still keep the place in my heart where i had etched your name
so i leave, still wondering what was so hurting to you that u never want to forgive me for?
maybe i have the plague maybe your friends know whatever..i'll never know.
i'm such a flawed person that it's almost comical but i will not forget you if not for a long time, at least until about forever.
for now, take care..and take care of khadeem too
and one more thing...get out of your cold room and get back into the sunshine feel the warmth, the glow and bathe in the beauty if God's creations
everyday i bless you.
smiles and cheers, love,
P/S and get back into the sunshine to feel the warmthof love, beauty and get back intothe sunshine, where
love and peace.
4/6/2004
was surprised too. but its not going to spoil my day. i just feel amused.
let's just take the gladness the day brings.
i wish you sunshine and rainbows.
15/6/2004
assalamualaikum.
this one was sent 2 me sometime back by audee. i dont think she'd mind me sharing this with u.
its a piece anyone can relate 2 and i hope it will perk up up on "bad" days it's rather long but i'm sending it via atex cos i dont have ur e-address. maybe, i lost it or something.
anyway, have a good day.
smiles and cheers.
DESIDERATA By Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is a perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
30/8/2004
hi,this is not an n-day msg, just a story told that i'd like to share.
'nora' has never forgiven her father for being rageful and, she felt, he had always neglected her needs. she was so angry with him,she would not go to his funeral. in the 20 years since his death, she never visited his grave.
then something happened (no need to go into details on this) and she picked up the courage to go to the cemetery. with an armful of flowers, she reached the grave. and then she cried...and cried...and cried her heart out. memories came flooding back of all the fine things her father had done for her and the good times they had shared. and then all the resentment she had harboured against her dad, evaporated, she felt a sense of relief and healing. with all the dammed-up feelings released, she felt a surge of new energy flowing through her. and she's now on the way to enjoying life much better then she was previously. and she has advised her friends to ask for forgiveness from those they had hurt. and whether or not the other side forgives...one side is surely going to feel better.
hearing about 'nora', i realised that if she could get over 20 years of anger, maybe there's hope for me to get some forgiveness from some people i have disappointed. so, this shameless man is now asking: if i had hurt you, can you forgive me?
peace be with you
19/12/2004
sometime in january i held a baby in my arms and whispered in his ears words of love, inspiration and devotion to God. the child, then, was about a month old.
khadeem would be celebrating - or has celebrated - his 1st birthday at about this time.
i pray he will grow up to be a fine, healthy, smart. loving and lovable gentleman. InsyaAllah.
as for you, if ever you feel down or think the world is against you. listen to a voice that will be cheering you on: "don't quit. get up and go. you're a winner!"
that voice would be mine.
wassalam.
smiles and peace
2/5/2005
On jan 30 last year, i and two of ur best-loved friends - shamala and sheela - as well as fadzillah, visited you to see little khadeem.
i have been thinking a lot about him lately and wondering how he is.i am sure - and i pray - that he is growing up healthy, well and smart.
would it be too much to ask u to send my love to him?
i still remember that as i held him in my arms, he looked at me with his lovely eyes and smiled.it was very touching (for me, at least).
i whispered some things in his ears which..if Allah wills it..will help him grow to be a fine, gentle person with a lot of love and affection to share with others.
InsyaAllah, u will be proud of him.
this is not a chinese new year message, but i do wish you and your familycontinued good health, prosperity and Allah's blessings forever.
smiles and cheers,
27/5/2005
i had a dream one night. it was about you.
you were standing at the bottom of a long and massive stairway.
The steps - which were as wide as stadium terraces - led to a huge white building, against a backdrop of a clear blue sky.
you were dressed in a dark jubah, looking up towards either the giant building or the sky.
the only other form of life was a cockroach, running down the steps towards you.
thinking about the dream, i can only guess that the building suggests some kind of authority.
while the sky showed the supremacy of God.
the cockroach could be someone - probably an insignificant being in your life at the moment - trying to reach out to you.
whatever you conclude from this
i'm sending this note to just say 'please take greatcare in whatever you do.'
i wish you well and, while i often worry about you,
i dont think its going to change your contempt of me.
no, no need to respond to this msg. We both can pretend this note did not reach you.
just...take care.
wishing you peace and happinness..always.
28/5/2005
i wont question why you replied in a "blank" but i think you meant to tell me to mind my own business.
sorry i had bothered you.
i will continue to have kind thoughts of you.
may God keep you away from harm ...always.
12/2/2006
assalamualaikum.
i was deeply touched by your write-up on your parents' love story in starmag.
i could tell you wrote it with a lot of affection and devotion.
"the diamond in his life" as the sub-heading suggests, was your mum. significantly, your dad's name, johar, also means a gem stone.
theirs is a classic case of a marriage lived "for good and for better", giving us ordinary people who are still living hope that the best years of our life have yet to come.
with parents like yours, you will always have a romantic streak in you. more than that, you will always be strong, like them, in facing the trials and tribulations of life.
wassalam.smiles and cheers.
11/5/2006
had meant to tell you this several days back, but had forgotten.
so, while i'm thinking about it now. i want to tell you.........that i dreamed of you...again..twice.
in the earlier dream, you were sitting in a corner of a theatre hall,watching intensely at the stage.
no one was playing.
neither was there anybody else in the hall.
however, there were murmurs of voices in the background.can't make out the words. but they were voices.
the other dream was rather strange too..and lasted just a few seconds.
you were in a mother theresa type of jubah, white with light blue linings.
you stood alone against a dark backdrop (blue, green, or purple..i'm not sure. but not black).
not smiliing nor frowning.
just still and looking in a particular direction with soft eyes.
when these dreams come, i worry about you.
you may loath me, for what ever reasons.
But my thoughts and feelings about you have not changed..
maybe, under different circumstances i would be at your side to sooth you and tell you everything will be ok.
in the current situation i can only tell it to you from a distant.
take care...really take care.
wassalam.
26/7/2006
i feel like a million dollars richer getting a smile and a 'salam' from you.
it's been so long.....
have a good day,
31/7/2006
assalamualaikum.
why do these dreams keep coming?
the most recent, however, was different from the previous ones.
there was a crowd, perhaps, there was a festival or some event.
i was sitting at a table, you were sitting across me.
my face was swollen, like i had a terrible toothache, mumps or suffering froma horrible bee sting.
you looked straight at me and.....gave a sympathetic smile.
then the dream faded away.
like i said, this dream was different.
you were not alone.
there were people around.
and i was there, though looking uglier than my usual self.
and you were not looking sombre, sad or bewildered.
i guess the dream tells me that things are working well for you.
i dont know what you've been through other than read what you write in your blogg (must be pretty busy since you've not updated it for more than a month).
but i do pray for your well being and am confident that Allah is there with you in all your trials and tribulations.
wassalam.
31/7/2006
i came up with this frivolous poem while idling.
its for you to keep...or to dump in the bin.
idle feelings
Reaching for the end of a rainbow is but a romantic dream
Answering questions that are not asked is also just a whim
Singing tunes without a melody robs from a song its special meaning
Piecing a jigsaw with missing bits is mere acting or pretending, and
Untieing a knot that is not tangled is just doing nothing
The truth, if i can share, is in a little heart pounding
Inviting you in, for some warmth when the world is chilling
Never closing its door, always keeping - for you - a little light glowing.
5/9/2006
u'll probably be bored by this.
i had another dream of u.
the scene is the office at the 5th floor.
i left my seat and walked to a place where u were sitting.
u were seated at the corner spot on the subs row.(opposite the door)
u were not wearing a tudung andyou looked kind of pale.
i asked u what is the matter and could i help?
u gestured - with your head - towards the door.i walked out.
what is the dream all about?
i think, like the others that i had shared with u,its about feelings.
dear zieman
i poured my feelings for u a million times(and i thought, so did u)
and then it all came down to zero.
bcos they eventually mean nothing to u.
so, these dreams, if anything keep me in company with u in another dimension.
i pray u will have a good life, filled with lots of tender loving careu deserve it..
between us, there'll be no more dreams to share.
wassalam.
smiles and cheers.(with apologies for disturbing your peace)
IT WAS ALMOT LIKE A DIARY. The things that S wrote to me. Never knew how much the notes or the poems meant to me until a friend pointed out. I have very few regrets in life and slighting Shah is oen of them.
How could I be cruel and heartless to a man who loves and admire me in silent. But now I guess its too late because I have hurt S by the way I reacted and treated him all these years.
To S: If you are reading this, I just want you to know I appreciate all the love and attention that you have given me all these years. The prayers that you recited for me in your prayers and the dreams you shared with me are special. Thank you for everything. Your words, messages and poems mean a lot to me now than ever.... after you told me you are closing the door behind you.
I don't blame you S. I deserve that....For memories sake, I have pasted some of the most beautiful words that you said to me which I kept in my archive. I was foolish not to appreciate it before. I hope its not too late to ask forgiveness from you - for all the hurtful words I have said and the long silence.
Thank you for being there for me!
Love Zieman
20/5/2003
i was with a lecturer friends from uum. saw you too at purnama.why are we silly..snubbing each other?
i notice something was bothering you; during the recent office dinner.was hoping, maybe, you'd tell me about it before somebody else do.
you have been strong before, in facing the trials of life.you will pull through this time..InshaAllah...kekadang di sebalik sesuatu rintangan, ada hikmah sebenarnya.
if you believe Allah is with you, nobody ..and nothing..can be against you.
love.
21/5/2003
see what i mean?
i have to find out from an indirect source.
it does not seem fair.
anyway, i'm happy for you. take care.the baby may be the most precious thing now for you.
smiles and cheers.
23/5/2003
apa khabar?
maybe i'm not supposed to be in the list of "being in the know" about your situation.but since i already found out (though not informed), i hope you're okay.
please take care.
cheers.
11/6/2003
what i heard, at first i thought was a joke you laughed, only to say (not to me)"he doesn't know about it"or, something like that meant to hurt me or, to show i was foolish
silently, i walked away to write a note, to say "it's just not fair"
i had heard you talk of the frivolous ways of others their whims, their aspirations and other matters but you were quiet and not wanting to shareabout a new life, within you that i too, would cherish
i remained naive, and blurly asked"what's disturbing you?'and innocently believed, when you said "it's a matter of time before i tell you"
where did the time go when everybody else knew?
so good are you at prose and verses yet, still i'm waiting my turn in the queue for you to tell me those wonderful words"i'm having a baby".
wassalam.
love
13/6/2003
resting in the shade of a tree i see a bird singing a sweet melody
and from the distance too i heard a voice quietly sighing(was it you?)
i do not understand it for a recurring strain was playing not from afar
but from a space inside me
through the leaves i see a gentle light streaming like that ray of sunshine that is soon a-coming
i watch in wonder the feathered one above me
and i feel so humble and even so low
am i to go lower than on my hands and knees or shall i just pretend and move on
will you ever tell me?
wassalam
love
23/6/2003
assalamualaikum
that day when you wore red I wanted to tell how gorgeous you look i held back, however, as i thought"what if she gives the snub?" what if she makes one of her infamous sarcastic remarks?"could i bear it?
i may have lost a love but i still have my dignity yet, why has it come to this?
is this one of those things that men do not understand?
the silence is deafeningand i just dont want to ask anymore
this note is just to say that you're still etched in my heart
though the space i have for you
which once was passionate red is now just a shade of blue
have a good day
love
9pm
18/7/2003
assalamualaikum
you seem to avoid me like i have the sars. Yet i continue to grin like a clown and said "she's ok" when anyone asks "how's zieman?".
i pray God is keeping you well and you are also taking good care of yourself and the new life you are carrying.
i have traced msgs, conversations, chit-chats and small talks with you...trying to find out when...where...why...i have been kicked out of your life.
those people you used to be sarcastic about, they're the ones you go to now and the ones you're running away from are those you once said you trust and care about (like me and A).
so, help me.
what's happening? how did it all happen?
when i see you..from a distance...i long to be near..to touch that life in you..to whisper..to tell..everything is going to be alright.
InsyaAllah, everything will be ok.
love.
wasslam.
ps: all that i had wanted was to hear from your own sweet lips: "i'm having a baby."
3/8/2003
and i still keep asking..a simple question..."when will you tell me?"
the truth is, dear zieman, tho i'm disappointed, i'm not angry.
i still harbour hopes that you'll forget your pride..dont be embarrassed..if you want to talk, i'll listen, and if you want to listen, i'll talk.
whatever is the outcome...i can live with it.and i hope too you will...eventually..know how to handle the matter.
and. this will be the last time i will write to you on this matter. if there is any more message, it would probably be work related. if not there will just be blanks.
for the record, i still care for you and wish you the best in life.take care of the baby, ok?
love,
wassalam.
18/8/2003
i know i said i will not send anymore msgs. but this one, i'd like to share with you.
"when a child is born, everyone - men, women, family, friends..sometimes even foes - fall in delight, tiny babies, in whom we see our future, are the greates joy and blessing we will ever have. and they are so easy to love. these small beings have the ability to bring out the best in us and we want to make them happy.
we can do nothing less than to love them totally and without reservations or judgements. a mother is not waiting to be complimented by the baby. she feels love that is totally without conditions. when you feel that kind of love, it radiates in all directions - not just from the baby, but everywhere and to everyone. it's like light radiating from a bulb (or candle).
the love for our child enlarges our spirit, expands our heart and allow us to feel the essence of our highest levels. the highest delight, the very stuff of heaven comes through when we love a child."
smiles and cheers.
3/9/2003
assalamualaikum.
tho u made me a fool...i continue to see the best in u. since the beginnging....and until now....i tell people u are my dear friend. and everyday, i say a prayer for you and your baby.
i do not know where i went wrong with u...or maybe i'm too naive.
but when somebody asked,"hey, what's this i hear about u and zimen? quarrel?" i was taken aback.
i believe it wasnt u who talked abt the so-called quarrel. as far as i am concerned there wasnt any. but why there is this talk, i dont know.
i guess i.m not just a fool in your eyes..also in others.
InshaAllah, things will work out....for good or for better.
take care of the baby.
wassalam. love
28/10/2003
..........anda di dalam keadaan sihat dan bahagia.
assalamualaikum.
dear zieman,
in this noble month of Ramadhan, my wish is that Allah will give you His hidayahto soften your heart against me.
we all have our problems ..be it financial, health, relationships, family, work, or others....it is only because we are not perfect that we seek the help of others..or Allah....to get out of our predicament.
whatever it is that i may have done (or had not done) that has hurt or grieved you...i'm sorry.but for this Ramadhan and always...i bless you and see the best in you.May Allah keep you safe...always.
peace is where the heart is.wassalam.
9/11/2003
i feel i have to write this, just 4 u.
yesterday from the closet i tookmonths after the last time i put it there
an attire of blue a gift to me from you
i felt its softness like a gentle touch from an enchanting past
and i whispered a blessing and a little hope
that from a distance you'll knowthat i see the best in you
i remember you once said i am part of you and i assured you there's a space i share here in my heart for you
and when i see a baby blooming in his mother's womb by extension, i feel like it is part of mehow i long to touch itto tell it "everything will be all right"to whisper "you'll be fine"but it's not to be
now, the time is nearwhen a little ray of sunshinewill show itself and give your world its glowa bundle of joyto cherish for good..and better
its such a wonder what a blue baju can do and even after it goes back into the closet it will not shut the thoughts i have of you
and if tomorrow is not mine to share with you please forgive me, in your heart and mind for all the hurt i have caused and the pains i cannot repair
may Allah keep you safe..today and everyday and rememberthe best years of your life have yet to come.
selamat berpuasa.
20/3/2004
i read the agenda, and it bleeds my heart it's scary to think that those you call friends can turn out to be foes
this shameless manwhat can he do?but pray to God to give you the strength and courage to break your barriers of pain and sorrow and ease the wound
this despised person who's been spurned, mocked, scorned and laugh at sees just the best in you and know you will prevail and you'll see the truth
InsyaAllah
this impudent fool magnanimous only in his "sorries"ask again to be forgiven for he is helpless to lend a hand except to reach out to the Almighty to keep you safe, protected and unharmed for if the Creator is with you no one can be against you - tho they may try
everyday i bless you i never stopped and at times like this i ache for you and want to comfort you to tell you "everthing will be alright"and to say, "i care".
17/4/2004
this is a goodbye note.
i have joined the league of retirees and...unless i accept thestar's offer for me to continue...this would be the last u'll hear from me.
thank u for the memories, the prose and poems and things that we had shared together..including the drinks, meals and also the raindrops, the tears and the laughter.
what can i say that i've not said to u before?
u have chosen to distant yourself from me, while i still keep the place in my heart where i had etched your name
so i leave, still wondering what was so hurting to you that u never want to forgive me for?
maybe i have the plague maybe your friends know whatever..i'll never know.
i'm such a flawed person that it's almost comical but i will not forget you if not for a long time, at least until about forever.
for now, take care..and take care of khadeem too
and one more thing...get out of your cold room and get back into the sunshine feel the warmth, the glow and bathe in the beauty if God's creations
everyday i bless you.
smiles and cheers, love,
P/S and get back into the sunshine to feel the warmthof love, beauty and get back intothe sunshine, where
love and peace.
4/6/2004
was surprised too. but its not going to spoil my day. i just feel amused.
let's just take the gladness the day brings.
i wish you sunshine and rainbows.
15/6/2004
assalamualaikum.
this one was sent 2 me sometime back by audee. i dont think she'd mind me sharing this with u.
its a piece anyone can relate 2 and i hope it will perk up up on "bad" days it's rather long but i'm sending it via atex cos i dont have ur e-address. maybe, i lost it or something.
anyway, have a good day.
smiles and cheers.
DESIDERATA By Max Ehrmann
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is a perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
30/8/2004
hi,this is not an n-day msg, just a story told that i'd like to share.
'nora' has never forgiven her father for being rageful and, she felt, he had always neglected her needs. she was so angry with him,she would not go to his funeral. in the 20 years since his death, she never visited his grave.
then something happened (no need to go into details on this) and she picked up the courage to go to the cemetery. with an armful of flowers, she reached the grave. and then she cried...and cried...and cried her heart out. memories came flooding back of all the fine things her father had done for her and the good times they had shared. and then all the resentment she had harboured against her dad, evaporated, she felt a sense of relief and healing. with all the dammed-up feelings released, she felt a surge of new energy flowing through her. and she's now on the way to enjoying life much better then she was previously. and she has advised her friends to ask for forgiveness from those they had hurt. and whether or not the other side forgives...one side is surely going to feel better.
hearing about 'nora', i realised that if she could get over 20 years of anger, maybe there's hope for me to get some forgiveness from some people i have disappointed. so, this shameless man is now asking: if i had hurt you, can you forgive me?
peace be with you
19/12/2004
sometime in january i held a baby in my arms and whispered in his ears words of love, inspiration and devotion to God. the child, then, was about a month old.
khadeem would be celebrating - or has celebrated - his 1st birthday at about this time.
i pray he will grow up to be a fine, healthy, smart. loving and lovable gentleman. InsyaAllah.
as for you, if ever you feel down or think the world is against you. listen to a voice that will be cheering you on: "don't quit. get up and go. you're a winner!"
that voice would be mine.
wassalam.
smiles and peace
2/5/2005
On jan 30 last year, i and two of ur best-loved friends - shamala and sheela - as well as fadzillah, visited you to see little khadeem.
i have been thinking a lot about him lately and wondering how he is.i am sure - and i pray - that he is growing up healthy, well and smart.
would it be too much to ask u to send my love to him?
i still remember that as i held him in my arms, he looked at me with his lovely eyes and smiled.it was very touching (for me, at least).
i whispered some things in his ears which..if Allah wills it..will help him grow to be a fine, gentle person with a lot of love and affection to share with others.
InsyaAllah, u will be proud of him.
this is not a chinese new year message, but i do wish you and your familycontinued good health, prosperity and Allah's blessings forever.
smiles and cheers,
27/5/2005
i had a dream one night. it was about you.
you were standing at the bottom of a long and massive stairway.
The steps - which were as wide as stadium terraces - led to a huge white building, against a backdrop of a clear blue sky.
you were dressed in a dark jubah, looking up towards either the giant building or the sky.
the only other form of life was a cockroach, running down the steps towards you.
thinking about the dream, i can only guess that the building suggests some kind of authority.
while the sky showed the supremacy of God.
the cockroach could be someone - probably an insignificant being in your life at the moment - trying to reach out to you.
whatever you conclude from this
i'm sending this note to just say 'please take greatcare in whatever you do.'
i wish you well and, while i often worry about you,
i dont think its going to change your contempt of me.
no, no need to respond to this msg. We both can pretend this note did not reach you.
just...take care.
wishing you peace and happinness..always.
28/5/2005
i wont question why you replied in a "blank" but i think you meant to tell me to mind my own business.
sorry i had bothered you.
i will continue to have kind thoughts of you.
may God keep you away from harm ...always.
12/2/2006
assalamualaikum.
i was deeply touched by your write-up on your parents' love story in starmag.
i could tell you wrote it with a lot of affection and devotion.
"the diamond in his life" as the sub-heading suggests, was your mum. significantly, your dad's name, johar, also means a gem stone.
theirs is a classic case of a marriage lived "for good and for better", giving us ordinary people who are still living hope that the best years of our life have yet to come.
with parents like yours, you will always have a romantic streak in you. more than that, you will always be strong, like them, in facing the trials and tribulations of life.
wassalam.smiles and cheers.
11/5/2006
had meant to tell you this several days back, but had forgotten.
so, while i'm thinking about it now. i want to tell you.........that i dreamed of you...again..twice.
in the earlier dream, you were sitting in a corner of a theatre hall,watching intensely at the stage.
no one was playing.
neither was there anybody else in the hall.
however, there were murmurs of voices in the background.can't make out the words. but they were voices.
the other dream was rather strange too..and lasted just a few seconds.
you were in a mother theresa type of jubah, white with light blue linings.
you stood alone against a dark backdrop (blue, green, or purple..i'm not sure. but not black).
not smiliing nor frowning.
just still and looking in a particular direction with soft eyes.
when these dreams come, i worry about you.
you may loath me, for what ever reasons.
But my thoughts and feelings about you have not changed..
maybe, under different circumstances i would be at your side to sooth you and tell you everything will be ok.
in the current situation i can only tell it to you from a distant.
take care...really take care.
wassalam.
26/7/2006
i feel like a million dollars richer getting a smile and a 'salam' from you.
it's been so long.....
have a good day,
31/7/2006
assalamualaikum.
why do these dreams keep coming?
the most recent, however, was different from the previous ones.
there was a crowd, perhaps, there was a festival or some event.
i was sitting at a table, you were sitting across me.
my face was swollen, like i had a terrible toothache, mumps or suffering froma horrible bee sting.
you looked straight at me and.....gave a sympathetic smile.
then the dream faded away.
like i said, this dream was different.
you were not alone.
there were people around.
and i was there, though looking uglier than my usual self.
and you were not looking sombre, sad or bewildered.
i guess the dream tells me that things are working well for you.
i dont know what you've been through other than read what you write in your blogg (must be pretty busy since you've not updated it for more than a month).
but i do pray for your well being and am confident that Allah is there with you in all your trials and tribulations.
wassalam.
31/7/2006
i came up with this frivolous poem while idling.
its for you to keep...or to dump in the bin.
idle feelings
Reaching for the end of a rainbow is but a romantic dream
Answering questions that are not asked is also just a whim
Singing tunes without a melody robs from a song its special meaning
Piecing a jigsaw with missing bits is mere acting or pretending, and
Untieing a knot that is not tangled is just doing nothing
The truth, if i can share, is in a little heart pounding
Inviting you in, for some warmth when the world is chilling
Never closing its door, always keeping - for you - a little light glowing.
5/9/2006
u'll probably be bored by this.
i had another dream of u.
the scene is the office at the 5th floor.
i left my seat and walked to a place where u were sitting.
u were seated at the corner spot on the subs row.(opposite the door)
u were not wearing a tudung andyou looked kind of pale.
i asked u what is the matter and could i help?
u gestured - with your head - towards the door.i walked out.
what is the dream all about?
i think, like the others that i had shared with u,its about feelings.
dear zieman
i poured my feelings for u a million times(and i thought, so did u)
and then it all came down to zero.
bcos they eventually mean nothing to u.
so, these dreams, if anything keep me in company with u in another dimension.
i pray u will have a good life, filled with lots of tender loving careu deserve it..
between us, there'll be no more dreams to share.
wassalam.
smiles and cheers.(with apologies for disturbing your peace)
IN MEMORY OF A LOST LOVE!
IT'S NOT OFTEN I feel meloncholic about someone. This person that I am about to introduce is someone from the past. A man who has hurt me so profusely that my bleeding heart does not know how to love again.
Six years ago, this man just watched me sink and walked passed me like I was a worthless being. A man who had tried to avoid me as if I was a deadly virus. A man whom I have given my heart and soul yet did not give back anything in return. Just insults and humiliation.
I 'lost' him many years ago. It was too painful to remember. I tried to wash away those bitter memories but destiny had other plans for me. Our relationship was like a big jigsaw puzzle. Not many people knew what actually happened but thanks to an email that circulated all over, my friends especially knew of his existence in my past life.
And now that he is back in my life, I feel a rather strange feeling creeping all over me every time we meet up. I feel numb in my every vein when I look at him. The numbness slowly changed to coldness because it's difficult to forget. Only elephants forget. I maybe the size of an elephant but I am not one.
These days when we are together, words failed me. Perhaps I am so tired. Tired of thinking of how he had hurt me in the past.
He doesn't appreciate what I do and feel for him yet he is so special in many ways. He has an endearing character which sometimes gets to me. His playfullness and good natured personality irks me because the shadow of our past relationship had cast a dark cloud over us. I have no more feelings for him.
I like to think its the age gap that makes me feel so 'detached' from him. But it is not so. It's those silent years when we were not together that would turn me cold.
Yet those boyish grin and sparkling eyes makes me warm up to him like a errr... sister.
Actually, once upon a time, there was so much love for him. Then one day, the feeling died. I buried and etched it deep inside me. Never do I want to reveal it nor talk about it for it will only shamed me.
Those were the beautiful memories that I once shared with him. It was too painful to even talk about it now. For obsecure reasons, the love was not reciprocated. And he didn't even care one bit about me. And the most painful part is I found out in a quiet and ceremonious way through an email which I do not wish to elaborate.
Over the years, we managed to patch things up and became friends. But then again, the friendship affects me in an unnatural way. He provides the mental and emotional stability when we are together, showing me that he cares in a very careless way.
Though special in lot of ways, his heart is made of stone. The principles he abides makes him like the 'Rock of Gibraltar'. Well, that is his doctrine and what do I have? A shattered hope, a broken heart and a shameless body which he often cruelly makes fun of.
How can I forget the years that I cried his name to sleep? How can I forget those time when I avoided the 'Pearl of the Orient' just because he was there. But God was kind enough to heal the wound. He sent other men to my life only to make me feel more frustrated than ever.
Just days ago, I had an argument with him over 'nasi dagang'. He refused to give in because 'nasi dagang' and 'this woman" is insignificant in his life. Past memories flooded in and I knew once again where I stood in his life. He didn't have to say it or remind me of his feelings for me.
I just knew it. I have tried to fit into his life but I was shifted everywhere until I gave up and walked out. That's how I lost him. So, I told myself I should not be surprised by his action nor his depraved words.
Sometimes I feel we are poles apart, at times I feel so close to him that I don't even feel the distance between us. And when we hugged...sigh? Its pointless to even mention it.
He has changed lately - more firm, more assertive and commanding. And he is beginning to speak what's inside his heart. But I don't wish to listen to him...
I'd rather take sleeping pills than rekindle those memories. The wound is too deep and actually it never healed. I told him it had. But I lied...
IT'S NOT OFTEN I feel meloncholic about someone. This person that I am about to introduce is someone from the past. A man who has hurt me so profusely that my bleeding heart does not know how to love again.
Six years ago, this man just watched me sink and walked passed me like I was a worthless being. A man who had tried to avoid me as if I was a deadly virus. A man whom I have given my heart and soul yet did not give back anything in return. Just insults and humiliation.
I 'lost' him many years ago. It was too painful to remember. I tried to wash away those bitter memories but destiny had other plans for me. Our relationship was like a big jigsaw puzzle. Not many people knew what actually happened but thanks to an email that circulated all over, my friends especially knew of his existence in my past life.
And now that he is back in my life, I feel a rather strange feeling creeping all over me every time we meet up. I feel numb in my every vein when I look at him. The numbness slowly changed to coldness because it's difficult to forget. Only elephants forget. I maybe the size of an elephant but I am not one.
These days when we are together, words failed me. Perhaps I am so tired. Tired of thinking of how he had hurt me in the past.
He doesn't appreciate what I do and feel for him yet he is so special in many ways. He has an endearing character which sometimes gets to me. His playfullness and good natured personality irks me because the shadow of our past relationship had cast a dark cloud over us. I have no more feelings for him.
I like to think its the age gap that makes me feel so 'detached' from him. But it is not so. It's those silent years when we were not together that would turn me cold.
Yet those boyish grin and sparkling eyes makes me warm up to him like a errr... sister.
Actually, once upon a time, there was so much love for him. Then one day, the feeling died. I buried and etched it deep inside me. Never do I want to reveal it nor talk about it for it will only shamed me.
Those were the beautiful memories that I once shared with him. It was too painful to even talk about it now. For obsecure reasons, the love was not reciprocated. And he didn't even care one bit about me. And the most painful part is I found out in a quiet and ceremonious way through an email which I do not wish to elaborate.
Over the years, we managed to patch things up and became friends. But then again, the friendship affects me in an unnatural way. He provides the mental and emotional stability when we are together, showing me that he cares in a very careless way.
Though special in lot of ways, his heart is made of stone. The principles he abides makes him like the 'Rock of Gibraltar'. Well, that is his doctrine and what do I have? A shattered hope, a broken heart and a shameless body which he often cruelly makes fun of.
How can I forget the years that I cried his name to sleep? How can I forget those time when I avoided the 'Pearl of the Orient' just because he was there. But God was kind enough to heal the wound. He sent other men to my life only to make me feel more frustrated than ever.
Just days ago, I had an argument with him over 'nasi dagang'. He refused to give in because 'nasi dagang' and 'this woman" is insignificant in his life. Past memories flooded in and I knew once again where I stood in his life. He didn't have to say it or remind me of his feelings for me.
I just knew it. I have tried to fit into his life but I was shifted everywhere until I gave up and walked out. That's how I lost him. So, I told myself I should not be surprised by his action nor his depraved words.
Sometimes I feel we are poles apart, at times I feel so close to him that I don't even feel the distance between us. And when we hugged...sigh? Its pointless to even mention it.
He has changed lately - more firm, more assertive and commanding. And he is beginning to speak what's inside his heart. But I don't wish to listen to him...
I'd rather take sleeping pills than rekindle those memories. The wound is too deep and actually it never healed. I told him it had. But I lied...
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