I AM ZIEMAN

IN MEMORY OF A LOST LOVE!


IT'S NOT OFTEN I feel meloncholic about someone. This person that I am about to introduce is someone from the past. A man who has hurt me so profusely that my bleeding heart does not know how to love again.

Six years ago, this man just watched me sink and walked passed me like I was a worthless being. A man who had tried to avoid me as if I was a deadly virus. A man whom I have given my heart and soul yet did not give back anything in return. Just insults and humiliation.

I 'lost' him many years ago. It was too painful to remember. I tried to wash away those bitter memories but destiny had other plans for me. Our relationship was like a big jigsaw puzzle. Not many people knew what actually happened but thanks to an email that circulated all over, my friends especially knew of his existence in my past life.

And now that he is back in my life, I feel a rather strange feeling creeping all over me every time we meet up. I feel numb in my every vein when I look at him. The numbness slowly changed to coldness because it's difficult to forget. Only elephants forget. I maybe the size of an elephant but I am not one.

These days when we are together, words failed me. Perhaps I am so tired. Tired of thinking of how he had hurt me in the past.

He doesn't appreciate what I do and feel for him yet he is so special in many ways. He has an endearing character which sometimes gets to me. His playfullness and good natured personality irks me because the shadow of our past relationship had cast a dark cloud over us. I have no more feelings for him.

I like to think its the age gap that makes me feel so 'detached' from him. But it is not so. It's those silent years when we were not together that would turn me cold.

Yet those boyish grin and sparkling eyes makes me warm up to him like a errr... sister.

Actually, once upon a time, there was so much love for him. Then one day, the feeling died. I buried and etched it deep inside me. Never do I want to reveal it nor talk about it for it will only shamed me.

Those were the beautiful memories that I once shared with him. It was too painful to even talk about it now. For obsecure reasons, the love was not reciprocated. And he didn't even care one bit about me. And the most painful part is I found out in a quiet and ceremonious way through an email which I do not wish to elaborate.

Over the years, we managed to patch things up and became friends. But then again, the friendship affects me in an unnatural way. He provides the mental and emotional stability when we are together, showing me that he cares in a very careless way.

Though special in lot of ways, his heart is made of stone. The principles he abides makes him like the 'Rock of Gibraltar'. Well, that is his doctrine and what do I have? A shattered hope, a broken heart and a shameless body which he often cruelly makes fun of.

How can I forget the years that I cried his name to sleep? How can I forget those time when I avoided the 'Pearl of the Orient' just because he was there. But God was kind enough to heal the wound. He sent other men to my life only to make me feel more frustrated than ever.

Just days ago, I had an argument with him over 'nasi dagang'. He refused to give in because 'nasi dagang' and 'this woman" is insignificant in his life. Past memories flooded in and I knew once again where I stood in his life. He didn't have to say it or remind me of his feelings for me.

I just knew it. I have tried to fit into his life but I was shifted everywhere until I gave up and walked out. That's how I lost him. So, I told myself I should not be surprised by his action nor his depraved words.

Sometimes I feel we are poles apart, at times I feel so close to him that I don't even feel the distance between us. And when we hugged...sigh? Its pointless to even mention it.

He has changed lately - more firm, more assertive and commanding. And he is beginning to speak what's inside his heart. But I don't wish to listen to him...

I'd rather take sleeping pills than rekindle those memories. The wound is too deep and actually it never healed. I told him it had. But I lied...