IF I SHOULD GO (DEDICATED TO MY LATE HUSBAND LBK)

Where do I go from here?
Should I take a walk
Or do I stay?
Yet I feel I shall stand here
Though in your shadows - NEVERMORE

I will use my soul to lift my own
And not lift yours like before
For this treasured chest with all the sense of pride
Without any sense of lust I shall forbore

Each time you touch upon these hands
And lift my heavy heart so passionately
Yet all the time
I know that
Fate will take us apart someday
Leaving your heart in mine

With sweating pulses that beat double
And then what do I do?
When all my dreams now include you
As the writer must first taste her own words
I must bid farewell to you EVENTUALLY

And when God summons me
And I be sued
I will save this last prayer for me...
Oh My God
Do not punish me, nay not me
And when He hears your name
Which I whispered so silently
within my weeping heart
And He sees within my eyes
The tears of two
I know He will forgive me!

COMPASSION OR TORMENT? (To my husband H who tormented me)

My compassion, fail not
They are new and fresh everyday
What shall, alas, become of me
I do not know

Why does this foolish heart
Always singing for you
Despite the solitude and the bitter tears
Stinging at my heart
Yesterday, today and maybe tomorrow

Faith, I have plenty
In this same breath
I will still answer you, dearest
And you shall call me only this
My love, my love, my love
If only they were true!

How hastily I feel rejected
When you leave me with no answer
And I waited for a vain reply
But there was none

I dropped all flowers
Changed the game so abruptly
When I know you listen not
To what I have to say

The rejection leaves me cold
Cuts me like an ice
And I find myself frigid and numb

I dare not gaze into your roving eyes
No, I shall not call you
Let this passion runs off
As fast as my blood

If you are nowhere in sight
I will understand
Though my heart still ponders
Thinking of how and why do I cope

I know not the answer
So, if you ask me now
Why am I like this
I tell you
I just feel it.
And,I am in TORMENT!

THIS IS NOT LOVE! (AN ORBITUARY FOR H,Z AND A)

I WILL ALWAYS DOUBT YOU
FOR YOUR LOVE WAS NEVER TRUE
YOU GAVE ME HOPE
AND YET TORTURED ME
AND KILLED ALL MY DREAMS
TO BE A PASSIONATE WOMAN

I LOVE NOT YOU
THROUGH LONELY NIGHTS
AND BATTERED MEMORIES
YOU WEDGED A BLADE
INSIDE ME

ALL HOPES CRUSHED
ALL MEMORIES BURIED
AS I WRITE THIS ORBITUARY
JUST FOR YOU
IN MEMORY OF OUR WEDDING NIGHT!