MY SILENT PRAYERS

Oh God
This heart is like a treasure
It will go down to the sea with the ships
If you don't safe me

I'm sick of hired men
Nor do I want desirous ones

Give me one
Who fills my heart with so much joy
Send me one
Who could content me like a fountain
And I'll drink from my own well
Get me one
Who can charm me with his words
And send shivers down my spine
And make love to me
Like no other lover

And please
Do not send me lust without love
romance without passion
for this is like sending me a Kiss of Death
So let me rejoice
now that I found him
My match, my lust, my pride, my joy
My secret lover
Whose love is in my every veins

For if you should take him away
I'd be like a tramp
And life would crumble
Hurled through still Heavens
And I would be lost

So leave us God
And the rest of them
Can go to Hell!

(The mStar Online team - Arif, Ain, Zira, Zana and Wahida)

Once in a while you have this urge to let go and exercise your limited creative juices on that 'ancient' thing called Pantun.

My new family, the mStar Online 'kids' - Wahida, Zira, Zana, Ain and Arif (especially Zana), described pantun and the likes of pantun as bahasa Tun Sri Lanang.

Arif, the fine writer that he is, has progressed beyond his 'Darsawarsa' and 'Tuntas' knowledge which he often uses when he writes, Zira - the novelist loves the flowery old lingo hence 'Tebak' is her very own trademark among us.

Wawa thinks its far too taxing to dwell into pantun but eventually got 'caught' in the game while Ain is the silent supporter.

So here are some of the PANTUNs. Its a way of distressing really. But if you are a pantun lover, like me, please go to my other blog: www.write-a-pantun.blogspot.com. There's loads over there.

Below, are the ones written by 'these bunch of bright kids.'

TAPAK SEMAIAN DIBUBUH BAJA
KALAU BERKENAN KATAKAN SAJA
APA GUNA PANTUN BERJELA
JIKA SALING MENJERUK RASA
(Zanariah wrote this)

ITIK NILA BERENANG-RENANG
AIR TAK DALAM SEPARAS PAYA
BEKAS TERTARUNG LAGI TERKENANG
INIKAN PULA HUBUNGAN NYAWA
(This one is by Arif)

MASAK ASAM DI TENGAHARI
UDANG GERAGAU DIJUAL KATI
SIBUKNYA TUAN TIDAK TERPERI
KESIAN SAYA ASYIK MENANTI

BUKAN SAYANG SEBARANG SAYANG
BILA JUMPA HATI BERDEBAR
MALAMKU SURAM, SIANGKU PANJANG
SEMUA DIMAKAN TERASA HAMBAR
(Esp for Ain and Ariff)

KEBAYA PENDEK SANGATLAH MOLEK
KAIN BATIK SAMA SELENDANG
RIAK HATIKU SANGATLAH PELIK
INGIN BERMANJA DENGAN TUAN SEORANG
(Zana who admires someone in the office)

NASI LEMAK BUAH BIDARA
BUAT BEKAL KE NEGERI JAWA
PUAS KU PUJUK HATI YANG LARA
ORANG TAK SUKA LUPAKAN SAJA
(Zira...get over it ok)

HUJAN LEBAT DI SANA SINI
AWAN MENDUNG DI WAKTU PAGI
APALAH MALANG NASIBKU INI
BURUNG DI TANGAN TERLEPAS PERGI
(Arif on his lost love)

AMPUN MAAF PADA KEKANDA
TERLEPAS CAKAP TIDAK SENGAJA
SAJAKMU PUITIS MERANGSANG MINDA
JIWA KACAU TENANG SEMULA

KUIH KETAYAP INTI KELAPA
PENGAT DURIAN BUAT SERAWA
BUKAN MUDAH NAK LUPA TUAN
NAMA TERPAHAT DI DALAM JIWA

SIANG MALAM MABUK KEPAYANG
TERINGAT KASIH JAUH BERBATU
HIBA HATIKU BUKAN KEPALANG
MENGENANG NASIB DAGANG PIATU
(In memory of my late parents)

PATAH PASAK DI DALAM KEMUDI
PATAH RUANG BUNGA KIAMBANG
KALAU TIDAK KETEMU LAGI
JAGA DIRIMU WAHAI SAYANG!
(If I should go one day!)

I miss Ibu Yusni Jaafar so much - more than I can actually put in words. Sometimes even words failed me. The vaccuum I feel inside me made it impossible to pick the right words.

Yet, memories of Ibu follow me everywhere I go, every corner I turn. Even the orbituary I wrote was not enough. It was written in a hurry. Emotions like this one takes time to surface....So here's something I have always wanted to share but never got to doing it until its too late!

DON'T WEEP FOR ME...

I could almost hear that song
again and again
"Hello...Is it me you are looking for?'
It's as if Lionel Ritchie had penned it for you, Ibu!
Now that you are gone
IT shall be yours for eternity

You asked me, if I could keep a secret
"Its all about me and the past
But please don't let them know"
Keep it tight within you
Even if they blame you
For what I have told you
They will understand eventually!

This is what your heart desires...
Do not weep for me
Tell them it's all over
All my sufferings..
I trust they will not doubt me
Now that Im gone

Ibu,
I will make allowance for their doubts
You can't wait no more
so tired of waiting
the calling is so great and so near
you have to let go...

I don't lie and I hate lies
I don't give way to hate
because I don't know how to
But when you were here Ibu
You gave way to hating,
And yet they don't look too good
nor sound too wise

Ibu
Its only now I am 'free'
to talk about you
and your virtues
and that 'missing link'
If loving kids can hurt you
If friends count but none too much
If you can find the courage
to forgive and forget
for that one second
You are the noble one...

HE took you away
And left us with this void
As I tried to close my eyes
quenched my breath
and blink a tear or two
in memory of you

I shall pass HIM too
one day
But I WILL never forget
your rendezvous with Death
months ago

On some scarred slope of battered hill
When the first pain appears
I was there for you
Then the first scar
and the first horrid sign
and ugly tales followed
after you
everyone heard it too
But I sealed my lips for you!

God knows better
to keep you safe
and give you happiness
with silk pillows and scented jasmines
Your love throbs out in blissful sleep

Your pain, your pulse and breath
Were all hushed awakenings for us
Then news
of your rendezvous with Death
At past midnight
flamed the town
As I pledged my word for you
I shall not fail you
and talk about the Death rendezvous
AGAIN...to anyone

Now that you are gone
I can't even stop one heart from breaking,
But I know I will be living in vain
If I can't ease the ache
Or soothe the agony of one daughter
who misses her mother so
But then again
you said, "Don't weep for me!"

MY NAME IS ZEERA...

It was
A charted territory.
for you
when you started
your journey here

But lost your way somehow
in all your findings
but still managed to stay beautiful
in your discoveries
Your simplicity
full of wonderment
never failed to amuse me

And your love-laugh bundle
full of excitement
which I slowly try to rejoice
together with much pleasure

Then the antics started
Thrilling and enthralling
with happy echoes
raptured all around

At last
You made your mark
with your remarks
snide and innocent
and won me over

And it almost sounded
like sweet music
when I recalled you said,
"My name is Zeera... no H!'

TO ZANA

You're so special Zana
in more ways than one
The lovely twinkle in your eyes
and the exotic dimples
which made it straight to my heart

I'll drink to you
and be there for you
And wipe the tears from your eyes
If they should ever come

I'm sending all my hopes
to the clouds in the sky
and let the truth mirror
in your round beautiful eyes
Those fleeting two months
have flowned by
And I've seen yet another
direction in your life

A real pleasure when you came aboard
But I know one day
I have to go my way
As you have to plod on
But you will always be a part of my heart
As memories of us
will forever bind till the end

My young Zana
Soft angelic
and sweet sounding
To my old tired eyes
With qualities within
Beyond compare

Your term is almost over now
as the precious moment you give me
is mine to cherish
for a long, long time

For ALL the joy and pride
you've brought with you
My lovely Zana
I only have this to say
You are God sent!

MY DEAREST PRECIOUS WAWA

A pretty face
which shines
like a shining star
is a joy to watch

The wonder of you
in a place full of love
like ours (mStar)
with your spirit and scent
Beautiful as you are
You've won my heart

Just don't tear it apart
Because I believe
of what you would become
someday
near

So my dearest precious child
Wish of love, peace and happiness
Don't run around too much
Let go stoned men
with their frozen hearts
for they grow all over the place
at times in front of you

Pass them by quietly
Never let them in
unless you feel revived
and blessed

For this journey
is yours tomorrow
Slowly but surely
I will leave you this throne
for you to roam
and remember me by....

PELANGI - KHAS UNTUK BAPAK
(Pelindung Artis Penaung Industri)

Datangmu dinanti
Cetusan hari yang lelah
Di pintu keganasan yang berlalu...
Kau tampakkan dirimu

Pada ketika aku
tersungkur di jerat rasa kecewa
Wajahmu melambai
manja
dan menyapaku dengan tenang

Di setiap helai
warnamu
memaut rona liar
dalam jiwaku
yang penuh gelora

Justru
dalam pawana sesayup mata
tari warnamu menyentuhku lagi
dan mengajakku
untuk seiring bersamamu

Di lembayung petang itu
kau menjelma dengan mesra
membalut duka ini
dan titiskan sebuah warna indah
di hening sebuah luka.

Sekilas itu
pahitpun tiada
begitu juga kata nista
dan airmata
semakin tidak terasa
Dan aku bisa
tersenyum semula

Pelangi
dirimu bak penyuluh
kegelapan dosa semalam.
Bagi insan luhur
dan teraniaya,
kaulah segalanya

Dan aku semakin
kenal warna pelangi
itu
di hari ini
di mana jua
Kerana tujuh warnamu
adalah cebisan ceritaku
yang baru bermula!

MY DARLING LINA


My pride and joy
Lullaby and rhyme
Everything feels so complete
when you are near

The tears of joy
when your heart
breaks and splits
will only make
your old mother
wretched and helpless

Que Sera Sera Lina
For your future is not mine to see
Yet I secretly wish
A noble man will comfort you
someday
As your mama will slowly fade

But my prayers will continue
that with all intensity
and passion
your words will be
as powerful
For you ARE
My darling Lina...

WHY?

If I were young and bright,
And laid my heart before your feet,
And took my dearest thoughts to you,
Will it be this that I face
A dilemma with much pain

Will you hail my easy lines as true
And say to me, "My dear" with no discreet
When you wear your eyes
and frown at the thought
of losing an old woman
helpless and distraught
But I have to keep my words
unquestioning
So that you will stay

Should I be mad enough
Again at this time
To share my heart with another man
and yet beat my head against the wall
When I see you wander past my door...

And I ask foolishly
Will you still doubt me
when I say "Farewell"

I still wonder
Why do you take such 'joy'
to see me in pain
and drained my thoughts...
Why?

YOUR CHEATING HEART

It felt like a sharp
excruciating pain
eating up my every nerve
when all words fell on deaf ear
And I saw your
raging passion

Is this a game?
Now I wonder...
How slow this old heart
has been
Knowing not how
or when it all started

Your caring touch
failed me
repeatedly
And you did
what you do best

All was sweet
until I realised
this was your joke
So I took my leave again
and just watch you passing by

Secretly wishing
this aching and pining
will stop
There is no hope
for you anymore

I've been a fool
Each time you
took me for that joy ride
I don't crave for that sensual pleasures
of your love
because there was none
for you to offer

Yet I took my place beside you
with absolute love
compelling me to forgive you
again and again
Until I realised
your cheating heart
was not engraved with my name
And I told myself
ENOUGH!

ANUGERAH ITU!
(Wasiat yang dititipkan buatku)

Bukan itu yang ku pinta
Bukan jua yang kau pinta
Itu semua hanya bukti
Kebesaran Nya
untuk kita semua

Di akhir nota
setiap langkah ku
Tak pernah lupa
ku panjatkan doa
bersyukur
atas Anugerah itu

Mungkin untuk sesaat
seminit meskipun bertahun
Anugerah itu
tersemat indah
di dalam jiwa
dengan erat
penuh kasih
penuh syahdu

Kebahagiaan bukan milikku
di sini di sana
dan di mana jua
ketika Anugerah singgah
di depan mata
aku terharu dan
kelu untuk berkata

Dan di saat
aku hampir lupa
tarikh luput Anugerah itu
Aku diingatkan
kembali
tentang hakiki dan realiti
tiada yang kekal
justru kau harus pergi bersama
Anugerah itu
kerana begitu kehendakNYA

Semakin sebak dada ini
semakin kencang debaran ini
melepaskan satu Anugerah
yang dipinjamkan
dan ku iringi pemergian itu
dengan deraian airmata

Meskipun kehilangan Anugerah itu
aku tetap tidak lupa
daerah usang
bersama rumah dan segala harta dunia
penuh airmata
kau tinggalkan semua
dan aku juga tidak mahu
tanpa Anugerah
hidupku sepi dan bisu

Tanpa Anugerah itu
berkurun kini
aku sudah pandai
menyusun bicara dalam sendu
SELAMAT TINGGAL....Ayah, Mak & Adik
AKU TERLALU RINDU!

PLEASE DO NOT GO (IN MEMORY OF MY LOVED ONES WHO LEFT ME)

In the fading light I sat alone
Watching the lonely night
passing me by
Even in the dark
I see you everywhere

I try hard to remember
All the faces
one by one
With all my might
I close my eyes
Yet you appear in every corner

I wish I could catch
That winding road
and combed every stone in
that thousand mile
just to be with you

But will you be there for me?
Waiting anxiously with loving arms?
and chanting words
so sweet that I will not leave your side

I have tried to run away from sad regrets
The bitter life that locked up my heart
Loneliness lurks every corner
men with lonely hearts
knocked softly on the doors
and yet I said No

I tried in vain
to search secretly
the precious key
that I threw away
many moons ago
but let it be

I miss you sis
everyday, every minute
Even when I said
Please do not go
or turn your back
but its too late

I know you are gone
and leave me to grieve all by my own
And though I will tell you
I am doing fine
Please dont believe me ma

I need you more than you ever know
Never leave me
not today, not tomorrow.... not ever
So please take me with you
and I will whisper this to you
Please do not go!

A SIMPLE MAN!

It was so easy to be cosy
With all the simplicity and
unpretentious ways
I wrote and you replied
The rest just flows
Then the attraction
hence the attachment
Yet I was wondering
where was all this leading...

The charming man
I knew not from 'where'
made his mark

But what do I say
that I have not said
What do I do
that I have not done
And where do I begin to tell a story
that has no end

Somewhere along
You will have to weave your magic
To make me stay by your side
For I have exhausted all resources
And I want to stay
and be a good Muslim woman

IF I SHOULD GO (DEDICATED TO MY LATE HUSBAND LBK)

Where do I go from here?
Should I take a walk
Or do I stay?
Yet I feel I shall stand here
Though in your shadows - NEVERMORE

I will use my soul to lift my own
And not lift yours like before
For this treasured chest with all the sense of pride
Without any sense of lust I shall forbore

Each time you touch upon these hands
And lift my heavy heart so passionately
Yet all the time
I know that
Fate will take us apart someday
Leaving your heart in mine

With sweating pulses that beat double
And then what do I do?
When all my dreams now include you
As the writer must first taste her own words
I must bid farewell to you EVENTUALLY

And when God summons me
And I be sued
I will save this last prayer for me...
Oh My God
Do not punish me, nay not me
And when He hears your name
Which I whispered so silently
within my weeping heart
And He sees within my eyes
The tears of two
I know He will forgive me!

COMPASSION OR TORMENT? (To my husband H who tormented me)

My compassion, fail not
They are new and fresh everyday
What shall, alas, become of me
I do not know

Why does this foolish heart
Always singing for you
Despite the solitude and the bitter tears
Stinging at my heart
Yesterday, today and maybe tomorrow

Faith, I have plenty
In this same breath
I will still answer you, dearest
And you shall call me only this
My love, my love, my love
If only they were true!

How hastily I feel rejected
When you leave me with no answer
And I waited for a vain reply
But there was none

I dropped all flowers
Changed the game so abruptly
When I know you listen not
To what I have to say

The rejection leaves me cold
Cuts me like an ice
And I find myself frigid and numb

I dare not gaze into your roving eyes
No, I shall not call you
Let this passion runs off
As fast as my blood

If you are nowhere in sight
I will understand
Though my heart still ponders
Thinking of how and why do I cope

I know not the answer
So, if you ask me now
Why am I like this
I tell you
I just feel it.
And,I am in TORMENT!

THIS IS NOT LOVE! (AN ORBITUARY FOR H,Z AND A)

I WILL ALWAYS DOUBT YOU
FOR YOUR LOVE WAS NEVER TRUE
YOU GAVE ME HOPE
AND YET TORTURED ME
AND KILLED ALL MY DREAMS
TO BE A PASSIONATE WOMAN

I LOVE NOT YOU
THROUGH LONELY NIGHTS
AND BATTERED MEMORIES
YOU WEDGED A BLADE
INSIDE ME

ALL HOPES CRUSHED
ALL MEMORIES BURIED
AS I WRITE THIS ORBITUARY
JUST FOR YOU
IN MEMORY OF OUR WEDDING NIGHT!

"MY DEAR Z, THE INSPIRER"
My Dear Zie, The Inspirer...

It’s been almost two months now
We’ve been together though with no vow..
Believe it or not…
Or even if you like it or not..
We have been so attached..
At least that’s what I feel deep inside..
I inspire you..?
Yeah Right..
You’ve inspired me, always, day and night..

In many ways, if not all, we just match..
You think so, or you don’t, only you and me can catch!!
Am I your female version..? My mind figures..
Or you might possibly be my male version, one triggers..

So caring and understanding you have been..
And the daring you, not that I’ve not seen..
Above all, you are YOU and non other..
Zie or Gee, or even ‘Syg’ as per MD
It doesn’t matter....
For as long as God consented..
Kib here.. writing in vain and conceited..
We remain together, if not forever, at least for now
Coz’ (I feel and I believe) we’ve been put together without VOW.

Sincerely
Kib

BREEZIE - FROM S

Dearest Zie,

I wrote this some three years back or more. I didn't send it cos events took a different turn but its been too long gathering cobwebs and I need to do some spring cleaning. Rightly it is yours so here it is. I dont own it anymore.

I accept now that I cant be your soul mate or even a friend or a brother but I trust we can be the bestof colleagues or work mates ...if we try.

Thanks for the love and memories...May God bless you in in all ways and may He protect you at all timesand give you peace, InsyaAllah!

Smiles and cheers.

S wrote...

A breeze blows
and it cools my face
it is gentle on my senses
and soft on my soul
as it rustles thru the trees
I hear a voice so soothing
I listen to a wisdom so profound
I capture stories so cleverly weaved
and get drawn into a melodic
though sometimes melancholic -refrain
the breeze breathes a life
that seeks solace
pursues peace and whispers of love everlasting
and as naturally as the breeze blows
you drifted into my life
to share your cheer and woes
but where does the breeze go
after it passes through?
Does it return to a humble heart?
or to some wilderness in space?

It doesnt matter and never mind
Writers and others have names
for their winds and for their hurricanes,
their cyclones and their typhoons
for this breeze
I have mine
and tho it may not mean much to anyone but me
I call it bree-zie!

CRY NOT MY BROTHER! - To my dearest and most loving brother Jepp. I know your pain and I feel your sorrow.

Cry not
I told my brother
For I care for you
more than
you ever know

How often
have I told you
I shall wipe
every tear
and be by your side
before your next
tear drop falls

When you are the best
and none as good
the barrier that
holds you down
with terms set
not clear
nor correct
in every way
Yet you have to pay
the hefty price

So brother
do not entertain
anymore exclusive snakes
no matter how cool the exterior
or colourful the vibes

After they arched
that tombstone
at your door
and squeezed a dagger
right through you
And you still
flash that smile
I was all ready
to nail
their coffins
with my flesh

Then I saw
how they ripped
that vulnerable part of you
slicing an old wound
which was once numb
and now its bleeding again

With aching heart
I recalled every
traumatised moment
you endured

And I just cant let go
nor forget or forgive
who ever has done
my brother wrong
and now
I shall return
with a vengeance!

YOUR EYES ARE SWELLING - Dear K, a caring heart will always care no matter what....

All this while
My weeping eyes
will not allow me
to see the pain
in yours

But today
when I heard
the mirror of your soul
are sick and sweling
It makes me
want to caress
those eyes
and take
the pain away

I wish
I could whisked
every moment
of your agony
so that
your naked eyes
will have much more to see.

Tonight
I will look into your eyes again
and say the magic words
softly in my heart

Those eyes are special
meant for
a kind, caring soul
giving and forgiving
But less for me

Then I thought
What if one day
I will never get to see
those eyes again
which has so much love
that makes
you who you are
what if?

If only
I can held you by the hand
and lead you all the way
share
the past and path
Through these old eyes

Then
You will see
my tragic times
and feel
the depth of my lost pain
that flood my heart
again and again

So just close your eyes
now
and I will tell you
tomorrows dream
that follows
will come

Just don't tell me
Your eyes have seen it all
Or nothing matters
I'd rather be blind
then hurt
by another blow
take care!